I went to a fireside on marriage several months ago. I almost didn't go because...well, I am alone in my marriage right now...ok, that's not quite right, since I am still blissfully married and Alan is still my fabulous husband, but, he is physically gone and I didn't really feel like highlighting that by attending a marriage fireside. But, Gail offered Courtney as a babysitter, and, I was wise enough to see that a door opened and I had an opportunity to go and learn.
The fireside was spectacular and provided good food for thought. She mentioned that she got much of her matieral from a book by John Gottman called Why Marriages Succeed or Fail...and how you can makre yours last. . I went to the libaray to check it out, and, if anyone else went down to try to do the same thing, they have been wildly dissapointed because I have kept this book for the past few months so that i could finish reading it and then so that I could make notes on it before I took it back to the library. Today is the day. I am making notes and taking it back to the library!! ( making a commitment on your blog is like making a pinky promise-- not to be broken-- right..?)
One main premise is a surprising one: "a lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. Many couples tend to equate a low level of conflict with happiness and believe the claim 'we never fight' is a sign of marital health. But I believe we grow in our relationships by reconciling our differences. That is how we become more loving people and truly experience the fruits of marriage.
But there's much more to know than how to fight well. Not all stablew couples resolve conflicts in the same way. Nor do all couples mean the same thing by 'resolving' the conflict. in fact, I have found that there are three different styles of problem solving into which helathy marriages tend to settle. In a validating marriage couples compromise often and calmly work out their problems to mutual satisfaction as they arise. In a conflic-avoiding marriage couples agree to disagree, rarely confronting their differences head-on. And finally, in a volitile marriage conflicts erupt often, reulting in passionate disputes. ...our current research suggests that all three styles are equally stable and bode equally well for the marriages's future. ...we have found that it all comes down to a simple mathematical formula: no matter what style your marriage follows, you must have at least five times as many positive as negative moments together if your marriage is to be stable" pp 28-29
The stable couples were "less extreme in expressing feelings like anger and frustruation. They complained, and got angry, to be sure, but they were less critical of their spouse, less defensive, less contemptuous, and they were engaged--not disapproving-- listeners" pp 58-59
When these couples showed their positivity, they put more weight on the positive side of their marriage equation.
Show interest-- be actively interetest in what your partner is saying
Be affectionate-do someething thoughtful, use simple and consistent touch, voice feelings of love or romantic passion
show you care-pay attention to the things that worry, stress or upset them in life, and make gestures to life their burden or show you care
be appreciateive- agreeing with your partner's ideas, suggestions or solution is a form of appreciation. voicing and listing out the things that you have enjoyed together is another form of appreciation. let your spouse know that you realize you have got a good thing
show concern-- whenever your partner tells you about soemthing distrissing or troubling, express your concern. If you have done something, be quick to apologize. "Apologies help, say your partner was upset by something you said, and has turned on you with hurt and anger,-- it makes a big difference if you're able to say 'I'm really sorry that what I said hurt your feelings' instead of becoming defensive about it and trying to justify your remark.
Be empathetic"Empathy, showing your partner an emotional resonance, is a potent form of affection"
Be accepting"even if your partner is saying something you don't agree with, let your partner know what he or she is saying makes sense and is important-- that you respect it...summarizing your partner's pointo f view during a spat is another form of acceptance, even if you still disagree
joke around-"Playful teasing, wittiness, silliness and just having an uproarious time together is especially nourishing...But if your spouse does not find your teasing, hostile or sarcastic jokes funny, beware: that is an act of belligerence, not humor"
share your joy- " when you're feeling delighted, excited, or just having a really good time, let your partner know it" pp 59-60
" The abundance of love and respect in these long- term marriages is evident everywhere" p. 62
But don't be afraid of negativety altogether. There needs to be a healthy balance. "...some degre of negative interaction keeps the union strong. A certain amount of conflict is necessary to help couples weed out actions and ways of dealing with each other that can harm the marriage int eh long run...I don't believe their marriages would be stable if they didn't talk over their complaints at all" p. 67
Three main things that I got out of this book that have really helped me are as follows: Several communication styels and all are ok, there are four critical ways of interacting that will sabbatoge your marriage and a marriage must have a strategy of reaction when someone is flooding.
1. there are several communication styles and none of them are wrong-- you just have to find one that works best in your marriage and know the limitations of your own style. You must also allow your spouse to have the communication style that works for them and honor their style. Learn about your style, the style of your spouse and how the styles, if different, (Ha, I just threw that in for fun...I can't imagine that any marriage starts out with such a luxury as the same commincation style:))recognize and honor the strengths and contribtuions as well as the drawbacks of the different styles.
2. "...there are four disastrous ways of interacting that sabbatoge your attempt to comminicate with your parnter they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewallng.
criticism- "what is the difference between complaint and criticism? complaint is a specific statement of anger, displeasure, distress or other negativeity such as 'You never ask me habout how my day went but just talked about your day through all of dinner' Criticism is much less specific: it is more global, it may have blaming in it. For example, "you never show any interest in me or my work. You just don't care about me" 75-76
contempt- "what separates contempt from criticim is the intention to insult and psycholoically abuse your partner. With your words and body language, you're lobbing insults right into the heart of your partner's sense of self. Fueling these contemptuouse actions are negative thoughts about the partner-- heor she is stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool. In direct or subtle fashion, that message gets across along with the criticism" p. 79..."Signs of contempt or disgust include sneering, rolling your eyes, and curling your upper lip. At times in our research, facial expressions offered the clearest clue that something was amiss between a couple" p 81
Defensiveness- "the fact that defensieveness is an understandable reaction to feeling besieged is one reason it is so destructive-- the 'victim' doesn't see anything wrong wtih being defensive. But defensive phrases, and the attitutde they express, tend to escaleate a conflict rather than resolve anyting. If you are being deensive (even if you feel completely righteous in your stance), you are additng to your marital troubles.
Sometimes people aren't aware of how defensive they are when their spouse attempts to communicate with them. Playing the innocent victim can take many forms, some more subtle than others"
within defenseiveness, he outlines 4 types:
Denying responsibility: "no matter what your partner charges, you insist in no uncertain terms that you are not to blame...you respond that it's not your fault because...
hurt feelings with comments you made...you reply that you didn't say anythng wrong"
Making excuses-"...you claim external circumstances beyond your control" rather than recognizing that you didn't plan effectively or anticipate obstacles
Disagreeing with negative mind reading" sometimes your spouse will make assumptions about your private feelings, behavior or motives. when this 'mind reading' is delivered in a negative manner, it may trigger defenseiveness in you"
Cross-complaining- "You meet your partner's complaint (or criticism) with an immediate complaint of your own, totally ignoring what your partner has said."
Rubber Man/Rubber Woman- "Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you'? In one move you manage to not only defend yourself from attack but blame your partner. So if your partner says he/she found your behavior rude at the party, you immediately counter with 'IU'm rude? You're the one who can't even remember to send my mother a birthday card'"
Repeating yourself-"rather than attempting to understand your spouse's point of view, couples who specialize in this technique simply repeat back their own position to each other again and again"
body Language- "Among the physical signs of defensiveness are a false smile...shifting the body from side to side... and folding your arms across your chest"pp 85-89
4. Stonewalling "Stonewaling often happens while a couple is talking. The stonewaller just removes himself by turning into a stone wall...stoney silence.
When we've interviewed stonewallers they often claim that they are tyring to be 'neutral' and not make things worse. They do not seem to realize that stonewalling itself is a very powerful act: it conveys disapproval, icy distance, and smugness. It is very upsetting to speak to a stonewalling listener.
Flooding/ "The worst consequence of a negative inner script is that it can lead to flooding. When this occurs you feel so overwhelmed by t your partner's negativity and your own reactions that you experience 'system overload, ' swamped by distress and upset. You may become extremely hostile, defensive, or withdrawn. Once you're feeling this out of control, constructive discussion is impossible. ...Flooding is also affected by how much stress you have outside othe marriage-- the more pressure you're under, the more easily flooded you will be.
...When people start to be flooded, they feel unfairly attacked, misunderstood, wronged or righteously indignant. If you are being flooded, you may feel that tihngs have gotten too emotional, that you just want things to stop, you need to calm down, or you want to run away. Or you may want to strike back and get even. You may feel you can't get your thoughts organized, or that this outburst of your partner's has come out of the blue, for no apparent reason. ...
the bbody of someone who feels flooded is a confused jumble of signals. It may be hard to breathe. People who are flooded inadvertently hold their breath. Muscles tense up and stay tensed. The heart beats fast and it may seem to beat harder. The flooded person longs for some escape and relief." pp110-112
One strategy for tough conversations that historically tend to create flooding in one or the other spouse is to set the timer and hav ea 15 minute discussion. knowing that the conversation is not going to last longer and honoring that can help. Also, marital rules against critical and harmful ways of communicating can go a long way in avoiding flooding. When flooding occurs, know that it takes about 20 minutes to calm back down. These 20 minutes typically need to be alone minutes. The time needs to be focused on using calm down techniques and self-talk to remind you of the important and good things in the relationship. some examples of this self talk
calm down take some deep breaths
no need to take this personally
he's/she's puset right now but this isn't a personal attack
this isn't really about me
this is a bad moment, but things aren't always liek this
Im upset now, but I love him/her
she/he has a lot of nice qualities
There are lots of things I admire about him/her
Right now, i'm upset, but this is basically a good marriage
99 178-180
This is such a good book. The rest of the book is dedicated to ideas for how to break the habits listed above. it was a great self-evaluation for me. Self-evaluation is such a continuous work in progress, but, what a gift to self and to marriage!!
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