Who is God?

I am reading a MUST READ book right now:   

Frouse, Paul and Bader, Christopher.  (2010) America’s Four Gods: what we say about God--& what that says about us. Oxford University Press, New York, NY. 

It is so thought-provoking and I am loving the mind exercise it is offering.  The whole concept of the book is that Americans tend to view God in terms of two aspects of God (judgment and engagement) and where we fall on that spectrum impacts how we interact with God and religion.  It is fun to read about how people may consider God.  It helps me to understand how some people can believe and be uninvolved in religious endeavors involving church.  It helps me to see how I can understand and approach conversations with other people and meet them where they are.  A person can be devout while not attending any church if it is consistent with their belief about God but, if a person believes that God requires attendance and involvement in religion and simply doesn’t go, that’s a different scenario—outwardly the same, inwardly much different. 

“Relatively few Americans, about 13 percent were raised by families who attended church on a weekly basis.  Even fewer (7 percent) were raised in families who skipped church altogether.” (Froese and Bader 2010.  p.41)

“ Unsurprisingly, many atheists (33 percent) never attended church as children” (Froese and Bader 2010.  p.41)

“There are some clear and obvious trends here.  Yet what do they tell us about how belief in God develops?  Most likely, children who are taken to church all the time had parents who felt strongly about their religion and sought to instill it in their kids at an early age.  It is also likely that these parents felt that God demanded religious participation—a characteristic of an Authoritative God.  By contrast, children with parents who were more lax in their church attendance were introduced to Gods who were more lax and less engaged” (Froese and Bader 2010.  p.41)

The very simplified breakdown of the definitions they used for the four types of Gods within a range of two different criteria: judgment and engagement is as follows:

Authoritative: greater propensity toward judgment and engagement

Benevolent: lower tendency toward judgment but high levels of engagement

Critical: does not engage in the world but remains judgmental of it

Distant: neither very judgmental or very involved

Obviously,  no one definition is tied to any church, and one can probably find members of any one church congregation that could land at any of the four definitions. 

The labels for each type of God are an attempt to capture the unique qualities and do not imply that there is no cross-over.  For instance, a person that sees God as Authoritative still provided many stories showing His benevolence.  Even people that view God as Distant may still be able to provide examples of God’s intervention in their lives or believe that God may be angered at some world events.  

I find this book really interesting.  It supports my theory, in some ways, that when people step back from church or from their beliefs, it may be that they have outlived their childhood definition of God and need to re-think their religious practices based on their adult or changed view of God.  In my experience, this happens as people find they need to move to a more benevolent God and do not immediately find room for that in their current religious definitions.   Conversely, when people step up and step forward in their church service and religiosity, it is likely a result of a renewed and more refined understanding of God.  When people are mad at God or feel especially helped by God, they can become confused if their life experience doesn’t fit with their former definition of God.  The idea that one changes their views of God into adulthood is not necessarily addressed yet in this book, I don’t know if it will be, but, I believe that, when life experiences challenge us, it is often a crisis in our belief when our definition of God and how He operates is not hearty enough for what  happened in our life.  The idea that we have to be willing to keep looking for God, even when we think we have found Him and know Him is an idea that is lost among many in our culture.  It is an eternal pursuit to know God and His ways, when we drop out of the game early and make God fit our definition of Him, it erodes our ability to continue to draw close to Him

It would be fun to explore how someone’s definition of God is altered through life experiences and adult realities of pain and unmet expectations, and how some can take the same experience and tie it to goodness and learning while others get stuck and cannot move through the pain to get to the learning.  I wonder how to paint a picture through words and teaching that teach the concept  of a period of pain interspersed with and followed by learning.  If learning is our goal (or as the scriptures name it…experience) then it’s like running or anything else that we do, sure it hurts, sure it’s hard to breath, there are times in the middle of it when it’s not worth it and it feels like a drudgery, and yet, the end result is better than the pain of the middle.  The end result changes our very idea of who we are and what we can do. 

When running a 10 mile race, at mile 2, it’s ok, at mile 4, it’s ok but starting to be a bit uncomfortable, at mile 6 we are unsure why we are in this at all but have gone too far to turn back—should I walk, do I sit for awhile or, do I try to make it my best time so far?  Mile 8 we are becoming aware that the pain will end even though the pain has not let up and, in fact, it likely got worse, there’s a good chance that we can make it since it means 20 minutes at the most is left of the pain.  Mile 9 is simply hard but the last 200 yards we dig deep and find whatever energy reserves are left and give it all we have got. 

If we finish and put forth a decent effort, we can always say that we ran a respectable 10 mile race.  That can’t be taken from us.  We are now a person that ran 10 miles and we see ourselves as a person that could do it.  Before we did it, we thought we might be able to, but, once it is done, we know that we did it.  We know what it means to run through the 6 mile tedium, we know what it means to finish the last mile and we know what we would do differently if the opportunity arises again.  We will be able to offer advice and cheer for people that are in their own race in a different way than we could before.  The payoff is the finish and the knowledge of who we are.

How do we stay in that mind frame in life?  How do we recognize and appreciate the learning in the middle of the learning?  How do we remember that we are building toward the kingdom of God by choosing how to react and how to prioritize rather than seeing the hardship in the learning? 

Happy Sabbath!

Love,

Karen

 .   

Which secret garden am I cultivating?

              

 

A story was relayed to me concerning an event that happened more than 25 years ago.  The situation seemed a small one, because, as a listener, I was not involved.   It was a story of two families.  Both had scheduled a signficant family event on the same day and would be inviting many of the same people.   As the situation unfolded, it appeared that the storyteller's family had no option for changing the date, but the other family did have other options.  When the storyteller asked the other family if they might change their event, they indicated that they would not.  The conversation was not a confrontation, but, the outcome was still remembered in the heart of the storyteller.     25 years later, the storyteller still experiences a pang of frustration and hurt over the event. 

A different story teller tells her story.  In her story a neighbor that had once been a cherished friend said some unkind things about the storyteller and her family.  This event happened 40 years ago, and yet, the story is told as if it were fresh and recent.  The incident changed a life.  The storyteller felt compelled to pass this story on to the next generation.  This story may be passed down yet another generation.

In these two stories, i am not the storyteller.  I love and respect both storytellers.  They are good women that have lived good and exemplary lives.  As a listener, i was struck by the sadness that, after so many years, these stories still exist.  They still live in the hearts of the storytellers.  What of the time I am the storyteller?  How do my stories measure up?  Do my stories show a collection of good that has come into my life and a habit of forgiving another and letting hurts pass?  How can we let go of past hurts?  How long is long enough to keep the darkness in our hearts by remembering the story?  How much friendship, goodwill and joy is being missed by our storyteller?  How often am I the storyteller?  What is the benefit of keeping the story fresh? 

In a book compiled by John Cook, Sarah Ban Breathnach speaks to the choice toward abundance that can lead us to cultivate a secret garden that is beautiful.  We each are cultivating a secret garden in our hearts.  “Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend … when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us [happiness]—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth.” ⁶
Sarah Ban Breathnach, in John Cook, comp., The Book of Positive Quotations, 2nd ed. (2007), 342.

If I were a rich (wo)man...

I love this song in the Fiddler on the Roof.  This story of Jews in Russia and the changes that take place that eventually drive them out of their homeland.  The story is of family, love, heartbreak, fear and faith. 

In one part of the show, Tevye is discouraged and imagining how different and wonderful his life would be if only he were a very, rich man.  He'd have a nice house, he'd have servants, his wife would be well dressed and FAT(Oh why wasn't i born in that time when fat was so very good:)  He'd have all of the best, and most importantly, people would come to him and ask for his wisdom. 

The fiddler shows up intermittetly throughout the movie reminding one of the difficulty of trying to balance life's difficulties and decisions.  Tevye explains it this way:
But here, in our little village of Anatevka, you might say every one of us is a fiddler on the roof trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck. It isn’t easy.”

Like Tevye, we try, we work hard, we do our best. Our chalenge is to stay on the roof.  We must understand the difficulty while retaining the will to fiddle and dance.  Dissatisfaction is a habit.  When i am dissatisfied with something in my life, it becomes larger than it truly is.  It is as if I am carrying a giant magnifying glass and have no ability to put it down and see things as they truly are.   I cannot hold the magnifying glass and the fiddle at once, something must go. 

I have been worrying about next steps and letting the worries of finances get in the way of enjoying today.  Tomorrow will come and I will be more equipped to understand and address the worries of the months ahead by focusing on the solution and doing what I know to do.  I have recently realized that I have been letting worry steal a large presence in my mind.  I was fretting.  I was praying three days ago and, as I was praying I had a significant realization-- worrying and fretting is a choice and I don't have to choose it.  I can plan to work, move forward, do my best.  I can plan to trust God.  Today, I do not see the path that we will be taking in a few months but, today, I have three children who would like a happy, somewhat carefree mother to plan a summer that holds fun, adventure, learning and memories. 

I can live within my means, pay my bills, save as much as I can, and I can let the worry go.  My choice.  I can drag the worry behind me where ever I am and let it weigh me down and dampen my thoughts or I can strive to do what is important and good each day and let tomorrow take care of itself.  Worrying has a negative impact and does not provide solutions. 

Today I will fiddle.  Today I will remember my blessings.  Today I will look for someone that needs a friend.  And then, I will be a rich (wo)man. 

Marriage-- what a blessing

I went to a fireside on marriage several months ago.  I almost didn't go because...well, I am alone in my marriage right now...ok, that's not quite right, since I am still blissfully married and Alan is still my fabulous husband, but, he is physically gone and I didn't really feel like highlighting that by attending a marriage fireside.  But, Gail offered Courtney as a babysitter, and, I was wise enough to see that a door opened and I had an opportunity to go and learn. 

The fireside was spectacular and provided good food for thought.  She mentioned that she got much of her matieral from a book by John Gottman called Why Marriages Succeed or Fail...and how you can makre yours last.  .  I went to the libaray to check it out, and, if anyone else went down to try to do the same thing, they have been wildly dissapointed because I have kept this book for the past few months so that i could finish reading it and then so that I could make notes on it before I took it back to the library.  Today is the day.  I am making notes and taking it back to the library!! ( making a commitment on your blog is like making a pinky promise-- not to be broken-- right..?)

One main premise is a surprising one:  "a lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.  Many couples tend to equate a low level of conflict with happiness and believe the claim 'we never fight' is a sign of marital health.  But I believe we grow in our relationships by reconciling our differences.  That is how we become more loving people and truly experience the fruits of marriage.

But there's much more to know than how to fight well.  Not all stablew couples resolve conflicts in the same way.  Nor do all couples mean the same thing by 'resolving' the conflict.  in fact, I have found that there are three different styles of problem solving into which helathy marriages tend to settle.  In a validating marriage couples compromise often and calmly work out their problems to mutual satisfaction as they arise.  In a conflic-avoiding marriage couples agree to disagree, rarely confronting their differences head-on.  And finally, in a volitile marriage conflicts erupt often, reulting in passionate disputes.  ...our current research suggests that all three styles are equally stable and bode equally well for the marriages's future.  ...we have found that it all comes down to a simple mathematical formula:  no matter what style your marriage follows, you must have at least five times as many positive as negative moments together if your marriage is to be stable" pp 28-29

The stable couples were "less extreme in expressing feelings like anger and frustruation.  They complained, and got angry, to be sure, but they were less critical of their spouse, less defensive, less contemptuous, and they were engaged--not disapproving-- listeners" pp 58-59
When these couples showed their positivity, they put more weight on the positive side of their marriage equation. 
Show interest-- be actively interetest in what your partner is saying
Be affectionate-do someething thoughtful, use simple and consistent touch, voice feelings of love or romantic passion
show you care-pay attention to the things that worry, stress  or upset them in life, and make gestures to life their burden or show you care
be appreciateive- agreeing with your partner's ideas, suggestions or solution is a form of appreciation.  voicing and listing out the things that you have enjoyed together is another form of appreciation.  let your spouse know that you realize you have got a good thing
show concern-- whenever your partner tells you about soemthing distrissing or troubling, express your concern.  If you have done something, be quick to apologize.  "Apologies help, say your partner was upset by something you said, and has turned on you with hurt and anger,-- it makes a big difference if you're able to say 'I'm really sorry that what I said hurt your feelings' instead of becoming defensive about it and trying to justify your remark. 
Be empathetic"Empathy, showing your partner an emotional resonance, is a potent form of affection"
Be accepting"even if your partner is saying something you don't agree with, let your partner know what he or she is saying makes sense and is important-- that you respect it...summarizing your partner's pointo f view during a spat is another form of acceptance, even if you still disagree
joke around-"Playful teasing, wittiness, silliness and just having an uproarious time together is especially nourishing...But if your spouse does not find your teasing, hostile or sarcastic jokes funny, beware: that is an act of belligerence, not humor"
share your joy- " when you're feeling delighted, excited, or just having a really good time, let your partner know it" pp 59-60

" The abundance of love and respect  in these long- term marriages is evident everywhere" p. 62

But don't be afraid of negativety altogether.  There needs to be a healthy balance.  "...some degre of negative interaction keeps the union strong.  A certain amount of conflict is necessary to help couples weed out actions and ways of dealing with each other that can harm the marriage int eh long run...I don't believe their marriages would be stable if they didn't talk over their complaints at all" p. 67

Three main things that I got out of this book that have really helped me are as follows: Several communication styels and all are ok, there are four critical ways of interacting that will sabbatoge your marriage and a marriage must have a strategy of reaction when someone is flooding. 
1. there are several communication styles and none of them are wrong-- you just have to find one that works best in your marriage and know the limitations of your own style.  You must also allow your spouse to have the communication style that works for them and honor their style.  Learn about your style, the style of your spouse and how the styles, if different, (Ha, I just threw that in for fun...I can't imagine that any marriage starts out with such a luxury as the same commincation style:))recognize and honor the strengths and contribtuions as well as the drawbacks of the different styles. 


2. "...there are four disastrous ways of interacting that sabbatoge your attempt to comminicate with your parnter they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewallng. 
criticism- "what is the difference between complaint and criticism?  complaint is a specific statement of anger, displeasure, distress or other negativeity such as 'You never ask me habout how my day went but just talked about your day through all of dinner' Criticism is much less specific: it is more global, it may have blaming in it.  For example, "you never show any interest in me or my work.  You just don't care about me" 75-76
contempt- "what separates contempt from criticim is the intention to insult and psycholoically abuse your partner.  With your words and body language, you're lobbing insults right into the heart of your partner's sense of self.  Fueling these contemptuouse actions are negative thoughts about the partner-- heor she is stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool.  In direct or subtle fashion, that message gets across along with the criticism"  p. 79..."Signs of contempt or disgust include sneering, rolling your eyes, and curling your upper lip.  At times in our research, facial expressions offered the clearest clue that something was amiss between a couple" p 81

Defensiveness- "the fact that defensieveness is an understandable reaction to feeling besieged is one reason it is so destructive-- the 'victim' doesn't see anything wrong wtih being defensive.  But defensive phrases, and the attitutde they express, tend to escaleate a conflict rather than resolve anyting.  If you are being deensive (even if you feel completely righteous in your stance), you are additng to your marital troubles.
Sometimes people aren't aware of how defensive they are when their spouse attempts to communicate with them.  Playing the innocent victim can take many forms, some more subtle than others"
within defenseiveness, he outlines 4 types:
Denying responsibility: "no matter what your partner charges, you insist in no uncertain terms that you are not to blame...you respond that it's not your fault because...
hurt feelings with comments you made...you reply that you didn't say anythng wrong"
Making excuses-"...you claim external circumstances beyond your control" rather than recognizing that you didn't plan effectively or anticipate obstacles

Disagreeing with negative mind reading" sometimes your spouse will make assumptions about your private feelings, behavior or motives.  when this 'mind reading' is delivered in a negative manner, it may trigger defenseiveness in you"

Cross-complaining- "You meet your partner's complaint (or criticism) with an immediate complaint of your own, totally ignoring what your partner has said."

Rubber Man/Rubber Woman- "Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you'?  In one move you manage to not only defend yourself from attack but blame your partner.  So if your partner says he/she found your behavior rude at the party, you immediately counter with 'IU'm rude?  You're the one who can't even remember to send my mother a birthday card'"

Repeating yourself-"rather than attempting to understand your spouse's point of view, couples who specialize in this technique simply repeat back their own position to each other again and again"

body Language- "Among the physical signs of defensiveness are a false smile...shifting the body from side to side... and folding your arms across your chest"pp 85-89

4. Stonewalling "Stonewaling often happens while a couple is talking.  The stonewaller just removes himself by turning into a stone wall...stoney silence. 
When we've interviewed stonewallers they often claim that they are tyring to be 'neutral' and not make things worse.  They do not seem to realize that stonewalling itself is a very powerful act: it conveys disapproval, icy distance, and smugness.  It is very upsetting to speak to a stonewalling listener. 

Flooding/  "The worst consequence of a negative inner script is that it can lead to flooding.  When this occurs you feel so overwhelmed by t your partner's negativity and your own reactions that you experience 'system overload, ' swamped by distress and upset.  You may become extremely hostile, defensive, or withdrawn.  Once  you're feeling this out of control, constructive discussion is impossible.  ...Flooding is also affected by how much stress you have outside othe marriage-- the more pressure you're under, the more easily flooded you will be. 
...When people start to be flooded, they feel unfairly attacked, misunderstood, wronged or righteously indignant.  If you are being flooded, you may feel that tihngs have gotten too emotional, that you just want things to stop, you need to calm down, or you want to run away.  Or you may want to strike back and get even.  You may feel you can't get your thoughts organized, or that this outburst of your partner's has come out of the blue, for no apparent reason.  ...
the bbody of someone who feels flooded is a confused jumble of signals.  It may be hard to breathe.  People who are flooded inadvertently hold their breath.  Muscles tense up and stay tensed.  The heart beats fast and it may seem to beat harder.  The flooded person longs for some escape and relief." pp110-112

One strategy for tough conversations that historically tend to create flooding in one or the other spouse is to set the timer and hav ea 15 minute discussion.  knowing that the conversation is not going to last longer and honoring that can help.   Also, marital rules against critical and harmful ways of communicating can go a long way in avoiding flooding.     When flooding occurs, know that it takes about 20 minutes to calm back down.  These 20 minutes typically need to be alone minutes.  The time needs to be focused on using calm down techniques and self-talk to remind you of the important and good things in the relationship.  some examples of this self talk
calm down take some deep breaths
no need to take this personally
he's/she's puset right now but this isn't a personal attack
this isn't really about me
this is a bad moment, but things aren't always liek this
Im upset now, but I love him/her
she/he has a lot of nice qualities
There are lots of things I admire about him/her
Right now, i'm upset, but this is basically a good marriage
99 178-180

This is such a good book. The rest of the book is dedicated to ideas for how to break the habits listed above.  it was a great self-evaluation for me.  Self-evaluation is such a continuous work in progress, but, what a gift to self and to marriage!!

The Gift named Empathy

I am realizing that the greatest gift that I have received through this year of learning and searching for peace is the gift of empathy for the mother that is on her own.  I am particulary empathetic for the mother that is in the sceanrio in a more permanent manner than I find myself in-- the divorced, single mother.  As I have been working through all of the different issues that come to my life as a result of havng Alan gone, I know, that, while often I am experiencing additional burdens, the plan in this part of my life is temporary.  Our life is united and our commitments are in tact-- only Alan's location has changed.  When I am lonely, burdened, or stressed, I know that there is an end date, I can share my concerns with Alan when he calls daily.  His daily calls have been a layer of support that I cannot imagine doing without.  What of the woman that is not getting a daily call of support, love and gratitude for all she is doing to raise their children?  Where does this lonely and worried mother turn?  Who cares as much about her children as she does?  Whose life's hopes and dreams are as directly tied to her children and their family as hers are?  In the case of divorce, even with a good relationship with the former spouse, there is a history of lack.  There is a history where one person decided to leave the family home.  The support in the little moments is gone. 

I have been given immense support and sympathy from strangers, friends and family.  People thank me for doing the job that I am doing at home while my husband is serving our country.  I don't have anyone in my life that is working against me, that is fighting with me over the children and how to move forward in life.  I have a husband that supports my life and wants to discuss our family goals with me.  I do not have the pain of a marriage that ended, I live with the hope and gratitutde of a marriage in tact. 

I have been lonely, but only for a moment.  I have been worried about finances, children and their emotions, our safety, our future, but with each of these issues, I have a partner and support.  I am committed to my marriage relationship and not worried about spending my life alone.  The pit in my stomach and the lonelieness that I have experiences this year is not my new life.  It is my season.

I hope that I can sustain and maintain an understanding an empathy for the divorced mother.  I have been given a gift, a glimpse into the pain and emotional upheaval of the life of a single mother, without having to actually have to go through the pain and agony of divorce.  I have had a certain kind of pain that has its roots in having my husband in a place of extreme danger.  I feel sick about that and it physcially hurts my heart and leaves a pit on my stomach to have him there.  It is not the same as divorce, but, I feel a pain caused by his absence and the danger of his location and lifestyle.  This gift of empathy, .like all spiritual gifts, helps me to understand, in some way the burdens.  The gift of empathy also helps me to remember that my burdens are not comparatively great.  My burdens that will last the season are not as easily lifted in her life.  I can begin to feel sorry for myself and then I remember the many women that I know and love that have felt this pain and will continue to feel this pain far after this season of my life turns into just one of the stories of my life.  This isn't THE story of my life, it is a thread in my tapestry.  It is a journey that I did not choose but one that has taught me well in so many ways.  This gift of empathy is one that I can open and enjoy and also one that is piled up, beautifully wrapped and ready for me to give to her.

 She has the burden of worry and concern and does not have the blessing of daily support and acceptance from her husband.  I have learned that there are many ways that someone could step in and help me by doing small things this year, I hope to stay aware of those things as we move forward in life and look for ways to help and support the divorced mother.  I hope to keep my eyes open to the needs that now are so obvious to me.  It is essential to look outward.  My needs are few and my ability to support and help others is great.  I have a husband that is willing to help others.  I need to gain a habit of consistently looking for ways to help the divorced mother that is trying to build a home filled with love while she is in the midst of heartache and loneliness.

This year, there are things that I have noticed that need to be done and that I have needed help with but didn't always feel up to asking for help.  There are things that people have done for me because they noticed a need.  I appreciate those things.  Some of the things that are needed will cost money.  Money is almost always tight for a divorced mom.  Her children are going without some of the things that she would like to be able to have them do. 



Some of the things that I have learned:
1. just show up and mow the lawn-- of course everyone could use a favor like that, don't ask, just do it
2.  give her children rides to things-- offer to pick up the child for a weekly event such as a music lesson or school club
3. instead of hometeaching or visiting teaching with a quick stop by, maybe hometeach and visit teaching could look like 3-5 times a year, we go over as a family and get a project done for them.  Spend the entire day on their project
4.  invite the family over for dinner
5. invite the family on a family outing and take care of the details
6.  invite their children to do something and give her a break-- take her children to the park, on  a hike, to the movies, somewhere fun
7.  get her a book, write her a note complimenting her on something she is doing or something her children have done-- notice her, notice her children
8.  send her for a haircut and take her children-- pay for her haircut
9. weed a part of her yard
10. buy her a gift certificate for an oil change
11. arrange and pay for music lessons or other lessons that her children would like
12.  pay for scout camp, girl's camp. youth conference for her children
13.  send a gift certificate to Target or the grocery store-- particulary around birthdays and Christmas
14.  remember her birthday-- take her somewhere, take her children shopping for her
15. drop by some flowers
16.  Send her emails with spiritual thoughts
17. call her
18. make sure she gets to go to church events like firesides and relief society events
19. call her and take dinner over to her just because
20. Find out what she would like to do in her house and help her find a cheap option
21.  Find someone retired in the ward that will come over and do handy-man work for her without a fee.
22. Help make it possible for her to go away for the weekend with her children-- find a cabin and rent it for her, find someone that will let her have something for free.  Fill her gas tank for the trip.
23. make it a matter of prayer.  pray about her, pray for ideas to help her, pray to know how to support her specifically
24.  notice her and let her know that she is noticed
25.  Help her to find a place in the ward and to find connections and friends