forbearance vs patience

I found this on a blog and found it thought-provoking:


Forbearance means that you bring love into play in such a way that you can cut someone free from their sin against you - without them even knowing or acknowledging what they’ve done. Forbearance is an expression of mercy that can cover both the big sins of marital strife and the small sins of marital tension.

Forbearance does not mean that we tuck sin away for another time. It is not a variation on patience.

When good things happen...

I have tried not to complain much during this deployment...but, let's face it, I have complained:)  Now, when something great happens, I need to make sure I highlight that as well.  I found a foundation last week that gives grants to families of deployed soldiers for extra-curricular activites like sports and music ("Our Military Kids").   I sent in an application for Kailey and Seth's piano lessons and got a FIVE HUNDRED $$ grant for EACH of them!! What a great foundation and a fantastic and thoughtful service they render.  In the letter, they acknowledged the service the children render by having a parent deployed and they acknowledge how difficult it is for the children to have a parent absent from their lives.  It is so important to notice how hard it is for each of them and I am grateful that "Our Military Kids" is set up to highlight the sacrifice the children make during a deployment.   

I opened up the letter and packet and cried.  Sometimes tears are happy!

Turning another corner

Oh, what a rough two weeks.  I had a lot of things going on the first of August, my biggest pressure was going back to court for the court order under SCRA (Soldiers and Sailors Civil Relief Act).  I kept thinking that First Horizon (the mortgage company that feels a need to fight me on our rights under SCRA) would back off and comply with the court order, but, they took us back to court on a process issue because I had not served them correctly initially.  They did not back away from the court date as anticipated but, went through with it and, as luck would have it, the court date was on Alan's birthday.  I woke up on the 5th so very emotional.  I didn't really expect to be so emotional, but, I was overwhelmed and upset that Alan wasn't here for his birthday and I had to go and sit in a court room with the possibility of having the court order reversed and having to start the whole tedious process over again. 

I had a pro bono attorney that was kind and prepared.  I was by myself for the initial court order, so, I was ever so grateful to have her with me.  It was a good thing that she was there too.  I dressed in professional clothes to make myself feel more confident and brave, and then, when it was my turn to get up in front of the judge, I was so grateful to have Mara Snyder (my attorney) there because she did all the talking and I ended up standing there with tears streaming down my face.  I could hardly look up.  I knew I was upset, but I had anticipated holding it together better than that.  I was so angry that I had to go to these lengths to get our rights under the law enacted.  I was so frustrated that the law is written so that the courts have to be involved from the beginning on this aspect of the law.  I was furious at First Horizon for bullying me in this way.  The other banks and creditors have just simply complied with the law.  First Horizon could get the whole thing thrown out and then I would have to start again with the other creditors as well.  I was deeply sad that Alan was spending his birthday alone and, even though we sent him gifts, cards and a package filled with fun trinkets, it was not the same as being face to face and letting him know of our appreciation for him.  My emotions took over and, there I stood, in front of the judge, tears streaming down my face. 

I had listened to the judge on the other cases he was hearing that day.  I watched him as he carefully considered each case and, with the wisdom of  Solomen, made decisions.  I was grateful that day that a thoughtful and thorough judge was assigned to this court date.  I listened as he used his judicial experience and combined it with his heart.  The judge ruled in our favor and a new court order was put into place.  First Horizon had to comply retroactively unless and until a complaint of substance was brought forth by First Horizon.  First Horizon has sold our loan so, they are unlikely to bring anything forward.  They sold the loan and did not put the court order in place before they transferred it, so, they left the fight still in process.  I left  the courtroom relieved and grateful.  And yet, I was still emotionally overdrawn.  I was considerably upset and drove around a bit on my own somewhat aimlessly.  I eventually went to Costco and stopped at a store to get something to wear for my high school reunion that weekend. 

I tried to get things back together and was so grateful to be able to spend time with my girls from high school.  They are a comfort zone for me.  I can go months and years without talking to anyone and yet, they each are kind with open hearts and there is a true friendship and love within the group of women that is a remarkable gift.  For a time, while I was with them, I was able to hold things together and just enjoy spending time with eveyone.  I spent Friday evening with them at a group get-together and then spent the evening with them again on Saturday night for a dinner and the reunion.  It was nice to be able to spend time with people from my childhood.  To reaquaint myself with people from so long ago and share a true interest in each other and a friendship based on common experiences.  I did leave both nights really early but, I was glad that I went.  I was otherwise rather numb and overwhelmed the rest of that week. 

I tried to keep busy and keep the children busy with fun activities.  We were on the go a lot, but I was just not myself.  I am tired.  I have been alone for a  year.  I don't know when Alan is coming home-- there has been talk of extending his time another 2 months.  There is a job in Virginia that Alan has been offered and that significant change for our family looms over my head.  I am willing to move, I have felt like there is much good that can come out of the opportunity, there are just many unanswered questions and it's all a concept rather than a reality until we know when Alan comes home and can get more details in place.  I am supposed to be the PTA co-chair again this year, I want to be very involved in the children's classrooms this year, I keep trying to find a job so that I can help prepare financially for the expensive move and lifestyle of the DC area.  I have spent time looking for rental properties and jobs and reviewing school systems.  I have spent time reviewing SCRA and making sure that we are utilizing all that it offers.  I always worry about children and school and friends and making sure that they are having the experience that fits their needs.  Does moving bring a better scenario or worse for them?   Nothing is dropping into place.  Nothing is within my control.  I work to go in a direction and get things resolved, and nothing seems to resolve.  I am tired.  I have been alone for a year.  I am tired. 

All of this comotion in my head was wearing me out.  My head spins with ideas for how to get out of debt, strengthen our savings, prepare our family, keep all the responsibilities in motion.  I hit a wall and just wanted to stop.  I don't want to turn into a sad and overwhelmed person that always has a complaint when someone says "Hi, how's it going?" or "Hi, how has your summer been?"  In the last few weeks, I have had no poker face, I just tell people that I am struggling and overwhelmed.  I keep thinking that I will give a smiley face superficial answer, and then I hear myself complaining.  It's not often a long moaning session, but, it is certianly not a thankful expression of the goodness and blessings abounding in my life. 

The last few days I have had a big perspective change.  It started with my negative or sad feeling for so many people in my class that did not have life turn out the way they wanted it to.  So many broken marriages within the group.  It made me sad that everyone's life was not working like I wanted it to work for them.  I wanted everyone to have a happily ever after that fit my definition of happily ever after.  Grace, dear Grace, talked me through this and helped me to just appreciate the goodness of the people and the bravery of their willingness to continually try.  When I decided to be happy for the part of everyone's life that they were happy about, it the change began.  I too have decided to focus first on the goodness and happiness in my own life.  My challenge is temporary, my fears for the next steps in our lives are simply fears, unfounded fears really.  There is nothing happening right now that has long term negative impact.  My husband is gone right now but our family is progressing in my own happily ever after. 

I have discovered sadness in the lives of two friends this week.  Each of these two women have had painful endings to long and seemingly happy marriages.  Each has five children with broken hearts because they no longer live with their fathers.  One story is particularly tragic and they are both extremely painful stories.  These are families that I know.  They are people of faith and goodness that want to retain their faith and goodness.  The end of their marriages leaves both with a sadness and a loss that is unspeakable. 

When I see and feel the sadness and the trials of others, I am reminded that mine is not the luxury of sitting still and feeling sorry for myself.  Mine is the opportunity to open my heart and extend it to those around me.  I can be filled by standing by the women in my life that need hope and perspective.  I can remind them that they are amazing and beautiful and bring much of value and goodness to this world.   I can lift the arms of the tired mother and remind her that there are many available to help and I can lend my open heart and hear her broken heart.  Jesus healed the blind and deaf, He helped the lame to walk.  I have been blind to the needs of others, I have been deafened by my own complaining, I have been paralyzed by my sadness and unable to walk towards others to help.  This year of loneliness has taught me much.  I have spent much of it in gratitude but had dipped down most recently with the pressures of the things around me.  I have come around a new bend in my road and am glad to see that the darkness and mist has been lifted and I am traveling for a time in the light.  I know that I will experience more times of gloom and self-pity, but, I am hopeful that the perspectives and lessons that I am learning this year will help me to keep those moments short and make them more rare. 

Little things made me feel grateful these past few days.  I prayed that when Alan moved to his new assignment on Saturday, he would have a chance to go to church.  He got there on Saturday and found that the group that is working with him is from Fillmore, UT.  He will have a church group in this new location.  He has not had a church group for four months.  I prayed this week that there would be something that I could do for my friend that is going through a difficult time.  I got an unexpected check in the mail on Saturday and can send her some money that will really help her. 

I went to church today and spent the whole day in gratitude.  I am grateful for the speakers and for the songs that were sung.  I was grateful for the opportunity to repent and to ask the Lord to help me move forward.  I found that I had a happy heart and that it took no effort today to keep it happy.  I am not happy because I have no problems, I am happy because I have faith that all things will unfold and that the Lord's timing will be to my benefit.  When I have faith, fear is removed.  Today, I have the strength to let faith be my guide. 

Greet Each Day

Harvey was waiting in line for a ride at the airport.  When a cab pulled up, the first thing he noticed was that the taxi was polished to a bright shine. Smartly dressed in a white shirt, black tie, and freshly pressed black slacks, the cab driver jumped out and rounded the car to open the back passenger door for Harvey. He handed Harvey a laminated card and said: “I’m Wally, your driver.  While I’m loading your bags in the trunk I’d like you to read my mission statement.” Taken aback, Harvey read the card. It said: Wally’s Mission Statement: To get my customers to their destination in the quickest, safest and cheapest way possible in a friendly environment. This blew Harvey away, especially when he noticed that the inside of the cab matched the outside – spotlessly clean! As he slid behind the wheel, Wally said, “Would you like a cup of coffee? I have a thermos of regular and one of decaf.”  Harvey said jokingly, “No, I’d prefer a soft drink.” Wally smiled and said, “No problem I have a cooler up front with regular and Diet Coke, water and orange juice.” Almost stuttering, Harvey said, “I’ll take a Diet Coke.” Handing him his drink, Wally said, “If you’d like something to read, I have The Wall Street Journal, Time, Sports Illustrated and USA Today.” As they were pulling away, Wally handed my friend another laminated card, “These are the stations I get and the music they play, if you’d like to listen to the radio.” And as if that weren’t enough, Wally told Harvey that he had the air conditioning on and asked if the temperature was comfortable for him. Then he advised Harvey of the best route to his destination for that time of day. He also let him know that he’d be happy to chat and tell him about some of the sights or, if Harvey preferred, to leave him with his own thoughts. In amazement, Harvey said, “Tell me, Wally, have you always served customers like this?” Wally smiled into the rear view mirror. “No, not always. In fact, it’s only been in the last two years. My first five years driving, I spent most of my time complaining like all the rest of the cabbies do. Then I heard the personal growth guru, Wayne Dyer, on the radio one day.” “He had just written a book called You’ll See It When You Believe It. Dyer said that if you get up in the morning expecting to have a bad day, you’ll rarely disappoint yourself. He said, ‘Stop complaining! Differentiate yourself from your competition. Don’t be a duck. Be an eagle. Ducks quack and complain. Eagles soar above the crowd.’” “That hit me right between the eyes,” said Wally. “Dyer was really talking about me. I was always quacking and complaining, so I decided to change my attitude and become an eagle. I looked around at the other cabs and their drivers. The cabs were dirty, the drivers were unfriendly, and the customers were unhappy. So I decided to make some changes. I put in a few at a time. When my customers responded well, I did more.” “I take it that has paid off for you,” Harvey said. “It sure has,” Wally replied. “My first year as an eagle, I doubled my income from the previous year. This year I’ll probably quadruple it. You were lucky to get me today. I don’t sit at cabstands anymore. My customers call me for appointments on my cell phone or leave a message. If I can’t pick them up myself, I get a reliable cabbie friend to do it and I take a piece of the action.” Wally was phenomenal. He was running a limo service out of a Yellow Cab because of his choices.  He decided to stop quacking like a duck and start soaring like an eagle. What will you decide today?  Will you quack, or will you soar?

Forgiveness and moving forward

I listened to a spectacular talk by Elder Holland today.  He used the example of Lot's wife.  She looked back instead of forward.  She looked back at a life she was supposed to leave and felt the tug and longed to be able to stay.  The future is God's.  When we move toward the future with faith, we progress.  When we look back, at past lifestyle and choices with longing, it is an act of faithlessness.  When we look back at past mistakes, progress and love decline:
"

At this point, let me pause and add a lesson

that applies both in your own life and also in

the lives of others. There is something in us,

at least in too many of us, that particularly

fails to forgive and forget earlier mistakes in

life—either mistakes we ourselves have made

or the mistakes of others. That is not good. It

is not Christian. It stands in terrible opposition

to the grandeur and majesty of the Atonement

of Christ. To be tied to earlier mistakes—our

own or other people’s—is the worst kind of

wallowing in the past from which we are called

to cease and desist...

When something is over and done with, when it has

been repented of as fully as it can be repented

of, when life has moved on as it should and a

lot of other wonderfully good things have happened

since then, it is not right to go back and

open up some ancient wound that the Son of

God Himself died trying to heal.

Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that

people can change and improve. Is that faith? Yes!

Is that hope? Yes! Is it charity? Yes! Above all, it

is charity, the pure love of Christ. If something

is buried in the past, leave it buried. Don’t keep

going back with your little sand pail and beach

shovel to dig it up, wave it around, and then

throw it at someone, saying, “Hey! Do you

remember this?” Splat!

Well, guess what? That is probably going to

result in some ugly morsel being dug up out of

your landfill with the reply, “Yeah, I remember

it. Do you remember this?” Splat.

A nd soon enough everyone comes out of

that exchange dirty and muddy and unhappy

and hurt, when what God, our Father in

Heaven, pleads for is cleanliness and kindness

and happiness and healing.

Such dwelling on past lives, including past

mistakes, is just not right! It is not the gospel of

Jesus Christ. It is worse than Miniver Cheevy,

and in some ways worse than Lot’s wife,

because at least there he and she were only

destroying themselves...

there is no greater requirement for us than to

do as the Lord Himself said He does: “Behold,

he who has repented of his sins, the same is

forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no

more” (D&C 58:42)...

, like the Anti-Nephi-Lehies of the Book

of Mormon, bury your weapons of war, and

leave them buried. Forgive, and do that which

is harder than to forgive: Forget. And when it

comes to mind again, forget it again.

You can remember just enough to avoid

repeating the mistake, but then put the rest of

it all on the dung heap Paul spoke of to those

Philippians. Dismiss the destructive and keep

dismissing it until the beauty of the Atonement

of Christ has revealed to you your bright future

and the bright future of your family and your

friends and your neighbors. God doesn’t care

nearly as much about where you have been as

He does about where you are and, with His

help, where you are willing to go. That is the

thing Lot’s wife didn’t get—and neither did

Laman and Lemuel and a host of others in the

scriptures."

BYU Devotional January 2009

Fear Not

Fear and Peace are not friends. 
My dear Lisa sent me this scripture today:

Isaih 43: 1, 2, 5 "But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. 

When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rives, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned: neither shall the flames kindle upon thee. ..Fear not: for I am with thee"

God reminds u s that there are no barriers to His power in our lives.  We are commanded and reminded not to fear.  We are His and He is taking care of us.  We don't always notice and we aren't always sure and strong but we are always protected.  This protection should provide peace.  

I feel like I am forever in the stairwell, just climbing.  I can sit on the stair where I am or I can keep climbing.  I know that I need to keep going and I need not fear, and yet, sometimes, I am simply tired.  Today, I am just sitting on the stair.  I am trying to make progress, trying to take care of the things that need to be addressed with finances, bills, tasks, my to-do-list.  I keep working, and it feels a lot like dancing on the same step that I have been on for days.  I have no idea where this particular staircase that I am on leads, I can scarecly remember where it started.  I think that I have more skills, I have advanced, I am making progress overall, but, one step after another, I keep trying to move forward.  When I look down, I can see that I have climbed up, but, from where I am standing on this staircase, I can't see how many more flights.  

So, although my view is not clear and I am trudging lately, I take another step, because I can, and, in the end, I know that I am being led up the right staircase.  This journey is difficult, but I am not alone.  I have angels, mortal and unseen, that are helping me and I do feel peace that i am in the right place going the right direction.   

Who is God?

I am reading a MUST READ book right now:   

Frouse, Paul and Bader, Christopher.  (2010) America’s Four Gods: what we say about God--& what that says about us. Oxford University Press, New York, NY. 

It is so thought-provoking and I am loving the mind exercise it is offering.  The whole concept of the book is that Americans tend to view God in terms of two aspects of God (judgment and engagement) and where we fall on that spectrum impacts how we interact with God and religion.  It is fun to read about how people may consider God.  It helps me to understand how some people can believe and be uninvolved in religious endeavors involving church.  It helps me to see how I can understand and approach conversations with other people and meet them where they are.  A person can be devout while not attending any church if it is consistent with their belief about God but, if a person believes that God requires attendance and involvement in religion and simply doesn’t go, that’s a different scenario—outwardly the same, inwardly much different. 

“Relatively few Americans, about 13 percent were raised by families who attended church on a weekly basis.  Even fewer (7 percent) were raised in families who skipped church altogether.” (Froese and Bader 2010.  p.41)

“ Unsurprisingly, many atheists (33 percent) never attended church as children” (Froese and Bader 2010.  p.41)

“There are some clear and obvious trends here.  Yet what do they tell us about how belief in God develops?  Most likely, children who are taken to church all the time had parents who felt strongly about their religion and sought to instill it in their kids at an early age.  It is also likely that these parents felt that God demanded religious participation—a characteristic of an Authoritative God.  By contrast, children with parents who were more lax in their church attendance were introduced to Gods who were more lax and less engaged” (Froese and Bader 2010.  p.41)

The very simplified breakdown of the definitions they used for the four types of Gods within a range of two different criteria: judgment and engagement is as follows:

Authoritative: greater propensity toward judgment and engagement

Benevolent: lower tendency toward judgment but high levels of engagement

Critical: does not engage in the world but remains judgmental of it

Distant: neither very judgmental or very involved

Obviously,  no one definition is tied to any church, and one can probably find members of any one church congregation that could land at any of the four definitions. 

The labels for each type of God are an attempt to capture the unique qualities and do not imply that there is no cross-over.  For instance, a person that sees God as Authoritative still provided many stories showing His benevolence.  Even people that view God as Distant may still be able to provide examples of God’s intervention in their lives or believe that God may be angered at some world events.  

I find this book really interesting.  It supports my theory, in some ways, that when people step back from church or from their beliefs, it may be that they have outlived their childhood definition of God and need to re-think their religious practices based on their adult or changed view of God.  In my experience, this happens as people find they need to move to a more benevolent God and do not immediately find room for that in their current religious definitions.   Conversely, when people step up and step forward in their church service and religiosity, it is likely a result of a renewed and more refined understanding of God.  When people are mad at God or feel especially helped by God, they can become confused if their life experience doesn’t fit with their former definition of God.  The idea that one changes their views of God into adulthood is not necessarily addressed yet in this book, I don’t know if it will be, but, I believe that, when life experiences challenge us, it is often a crisis in our belief when our definition of God and how He operates is not hearty enough for what  happened in our life.  The idea that we have to be willing to keep looking for God, even when we think we have found Him and know Him is an idea that is lost among many in our culture.  It is an eternal pursuit to know God and His ways, when we drop out of the game early and make God fit our definition of Him, it erodes our ability to continue to draw close to Him

It would be fun to explore how someone’s definition of God is altered through life experiences and adult realities of pain and unmet expectations, and how some can take the same experience and tie it to goodness and learning while others get stuck and cannot move through the pain to get to the learning.  I wonder how to paint a picture through words and teaching that teach the concept  of a period of pain interspersed with and followed by learning.  If learning is our goal (or as the scriptures name it…experience) then it’s like running or anything else that we do, sure it hurts, sure it’s hard to breath, there are times in the middle of it when it’s not worth it and it feels like a drudgery, and yet, the end result is better than the pain of the middle.  The end result changes our very idea of who we are and what we can do. 

When running a 10 mile race, at mile 2, it’s ok, at mile 4, it’s ok but starting to be a bit uncomfortable, at mile 6 we are unsure why we are in this at all but have gone too far to turn back—should I walk, do I sit for awhile or, do I try to make it my best time so far?  Mile 8 we are becoming aware that the pain will end even though the pain has not let up and, in fact, it likely got worse, there’s a good chance that we can make it since it means 20 minutes at the most is left of the pain.  Mile 9 is simply hard but the last 200 yards we dig deep and find whatever energy reserves are left and give it all we have got. 

If we finish and put forth a decent effort, we can always say that we ran a respectable 10 mile race.  That can’t be taken from us.  We are now a person that ran 10 miles and we see ourselves as a person that could do it.  Before we did it, we thought we might be able to, but, once it is done, we know that we did it.  We know what it means to run through the 6 mile tedium, we know what it means to finish the last mile and we know what we would do differently if the opportunity arises again.  We will be able to offer advice and cheer for people that are in their own race in a different way than we could before.  The payoff is the finish and the knowledge of who we are.

How do we stay in that mind frame in life?  How do we recognize and appreciate the learning in the middle of the learning?  How do we remember that we are building toward the kingdom of God by choosing how to react and how to prioritize rather than seeing the hardship in the learning? 

Happy Sabbath!

Love,

Karen

 .   

Which secret garden am I cultivating?

              

 

A story was relayed to me concerning an event that happened more than 25 years ago.  The situation seemed a small one, because, as a listener, I was not involved.   It was a story of two families.  Both had scheduled a signficant family event on the same day and would be inviting many of the same people.   As the situation unfolded, it appeared that the storyteller's family had no option for changing the date, but the other family did have other options.  When the storyteller asked the other family if they might change their event, they indicated that they would not.  The conversation was not a confrontation, but, the outcome was still remembered in the heart of the storyteller.     25 years later, the storyteller still experiences a pang of frustration and hurt over the event. 

A different story teller tells her story.  In her story a neighbor that had once been a cherished friend said some unkind things about the storyteller and her family.  This event happened 40 years ago, and yet, the story is told as if it were fresh and recent.  The incident changed a life.  The storyteller felt compelled to pass this story on to the next generation.  This story may be passed down yet another generation.

In these two stories, i am not the storyteller.  I love and respect both storytellers.  They are good women that have lived good and exemplary lives.  As a listener, i was struck by the sadness that, after so many years, these stories still exist.  They still live in the hearts of the storytellers.  What of the time I am the storyteller?  How do my stories measure up?  Do my stories show a collection of good that has come into my life and a habit of forgiving another and letting hurts pass?  How can we let go of past hurts?  How long is long enough to keep the darkness in our hearts by remembering the story?  How much friendship, goodwill and joy is being missed by our storyteller?  How often am I the storyteller?  What is the benefit of keeping the story fresh? 

In a book compiled by John Cook, Sarah Ban Breathnach speaks to the choice toward abundance that can lead us to cultivate a secret garden that is beautiful.  We each are cultivating a secret garden in our hearts.  “Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend … when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us [happiness]—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth.” ⁶
Sarah Ban Breathnach, in John Cook, comp., The Book of Positive Quotations, 2nd ed. (2007), 342.

If I were a rich (wo)man...

I love this song in the Fiddler on the Roof.  This story of Jews in Russia and the changes that take place that eventually drive them out of their homeland.  The story is of family, love, heartbreak, fear and faith. 

In one part of the show, Tevye is discouraged and imagining how different and wonderful his life would be if only he were a very, rich man.  He'd have a nice house, he'd have servants, his wife would be well dressed and FAT(Oh why wasn't i born in that time when fat was so very good:)  He'd have all of the best, and most importantly, people would come to him and ask for his wisdom. 

The fiddler shows up intermittetly throughout the movie reminding one of the difficulty of trying to balance life's difficulties and decisions.  Tevye explains it this way:
But here, in our little village of Anatevka, you might say every one of us is a fiddler on the roof trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck. It isn’t easy.”

Like Tevye, we try, we work hard, we do our best. Our chalenge is to stay on the roof.  We must understand the difficulty while retaining the will to fiddle and dance.  Dissatisfaction is a habit.  When i am dissatisfied with something in my life, it becomes larger than it truly is.  It is as if I am carrying a giant magnifying glass and have no ability to put it down and see things as they truly are.   I cannot hold the magnifying glass and the fiddle at once, something must go. 

I have been worrying about next steps and letting the worries of finances get in the way of enjoying today.  Tomorrow will come and I will be more equipped to understand and address the worries of the months ahead by focusing on the solution and doing what I know to do.  I have recently realized that I have been letting worry steal a large presence in my mind.  I was fretting.  I was praying three days ago and, as I was praying I had a significant realization-- worrying and fretting is a choice and I don't have to choose it.  I can plan to work, move forward, do my best.  I can plan to trust God.  Today, I do not see the path that we will be taking in a few months but, today, I have three children who would like a happy, somewhat carefree mother to plan a summer that holds fun, adventure, learning and memories. 

I can live within my means, pay my bills, save as much as I can, and I can let the worry go.  My choice.  I can drag the worry behind me where ever I am and let it weigh me down and dampen my thoughts or I can strive to do what is important and good each day and let tomorrow take care of itself.  Worrying has a negative impact and does not provide solutions. 

Today I will fiddle.  Today I will remember my blessings.  Today I will look for someone that needs a friend.  And then, I will be a rich (wo)man. 

Marriage-- what a blessing

I went to a fireside on marriage several months ago.  I almost didn't go because...well, I am alone in my marriage right now...ok, that's not quite right, since I am still blissfully married and Alan is still my fabulous husband, but, he is physically gone and I didn't really feel like highlighting that by attending a marriage fireside.  But, Gail offered Courtney as a babysitter, and, I was wise enough to see that a door opened and I had an opportunity to go and learn. 

The fireside was spectacular and provided good food for thought.  She mentioned that she got much of her matieral from a book by John Gottman called Why Marriages Succeed or Fail...and how you can makre yours last.  .  I went to the libaray to check it out, and, if anyone else went down to try to do the same thing, they have been wildly dissapointed because I have kept this book for the past few months so that i could finish reading it and then so that I could make notes on it before I took it back to the library.  Today is the day.  I am making notes and taking it back to the library!! ( making a commitment on your blog is like making a pinky promise-- not to be broken-- right..?)

One main premise is a surprising one:  "a lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.  Many couples tend to equate a low level of conflict with happiness and believe the claim 'we never fight' is a sign of marital health.  But I believe we grow in our relationships by reconciling our differences.  That is how we become more loving people and truly experience the fruits of marriage.

But there's much more to know than how to fight well.  Not all stablew couples resolve conflicts in the same way.  Nor do all couples mean the same thing by 'resolving' the conflict.  in fact, I have found that there are three different styles of problem solving into which helathy marriages tend to settle.  In a validating marriage couples compromise often and calmly work out their problems to mutual satisfaction as they arise.  In a conflic-avoiding marriage couples agree to disagree, rarely confronting their differences head-on.  And finally, in a volitile marriage conflicts erupt often, reulting in passionate disputes.  ...our current research suggests that all three styles are equally stable and bode equally well for the marriages's future.  ...we have found that it all comes down to a simple mathematical formula:  no matter what style your marriage follows, you must have at least five times as many positive as negative moments together if your marriage is to be stable" pp 28-29

The stable couples were "less extreme in expressing feelings like anger and frustruation.  They complained, and got angry, to be sure, but they were less critical of their spouse, less defensive, less contemptuous, and they were engaged--not disapproving-- listeners" pp 58-59
When these couples showed their positivity, they put more weight on the positive side of their marriage equation. 
Show interest-- be actively interetest in what your partner is saying
Be affectionate-do someething thoughtful, use simple and consistent touch, voice feelings of love or romantic passion
show you care-pay attention to the things that worry, stress  or upset them in life, and make gestures to life their burden or show you care
be appreciateive- agreeing with your partner's ideas, suggestions or solution is a form of appreciation.  voicing and listing out the things that you have enjoyed together is another form of appreciation.  let your spouse know that you realize you have got a good thing
show concern-- whenever your partner tells you about soemthing distrissing or troubling, express your concern.  If you have done something, be quick to apologize.  "Apologies help, say your partner was upset by something you said, and has turned on you with hurt and anger,-- it makes a big difference if you're able to say 'I'm really sorry that what I said hurt your feelings' instead of becoming defensive about it and trying to justify your remark. 
Be empathetic"Empathy, showing your partner an emotional resonance, is a potent form of affection"
Be accepting"even if your partner is saying something you don't agree with, let your partner know what he or she is saying makes sense and is important-- that you respect it...summarizing your partner's pointo f view during a spat is another form of acceptance, even if you still disagree
joke around-"Playful teasing, wittiness, silliness and just having an uproarious time together is especially nourishing...But if your spouse does not find your teasing, hostile or sarcastic jokes funny, beware: that is an act of belligerence, not humor"
share your joy- " when you're feeling delighted, excited, or just having a really good time, let your partner know it" pp 59-60

" The abundance of love and respect  in these long- term marriages is evident everywhere" p. 62

But don't be afraid of negativety altogether.  There needs to be a healthy balance.  "...some degre of negative interaction keeps the union strong.  A certain amount of conflict is necessary to help couples weed out actions and ways of dealing with each other that can harm the marriage int eh long run...I don't believe their marriages would be stable if they didn't talk over their complaints at all" p. 67

Three main things that I got out of this book that have really helped me are as follows: Several communication styels and all are ok, there are four critical ways of interacting that will sabbatoge your marriage and a marriage must have a strategy of reaction when someone is flooding. 
1. there are several communication styles and none of them are wrong-- you just have to find one that works best in your marriage and know the limitations of your own style.  You must also allow your spouse to have the communication style that works for them and honor their style.  Learn about your style, the style of your spouse and how the styles, if different, (Ha, I just threw that in for fun...I can't imagine that any marriage starts out with such a luxury as the same commincation style:))recognize and honor the strengths and contribtuions as well as the drawbacks of the different styles. 


2. "...there are four disastrous ways of interacting that sabbatoge your attempt to comminicate with your parnter they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewallng. 
criticism- "what is the difference between complaint and criticism?  complaint is a specific statement of anger, displeasure, distress or other negativeity such as 'You never ask me habout how my day went but just talked about your day through all of dinner' Criticism is much less specific: it is more global, it may have blaming in it.  For example, "you never show any interest in me or my work.  You just don't care about me" 75-76
contempt- "what separates contempt from criticim is the intention to insult and psycholoically abuse your partner.  With your words and body language, you're lobbing insults right into the heart of your partner's sense of self.  Fueling these contemptuouse actions are negative thoughts about the partner-- heor she is stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool.  In direct or subtle fashion, that message gets across along with the criticism"  p. 79..."Signs of contempt or disgust include sneering, rolling your eyes, and curling your upper lip.  At times in our research, facial expressions offered the clearest clue that something was amiss between a couple" p 81

Defensiveness- "the fact that defensieveness is an understandable reaction to feeling besieged is one reason it is so destructive-- the 'victim' doesn't see anything wrong wtih being defensive.  But defensive phrases, and the attitutde they express, tend to escaleate a conflict rather than resolve anyting.  If you are being deensive (even if you feel completely righteous in your stance), you are additng to your marital troubles.
Sometimes people aren't aware of how defensive they are when their spouse attempts to communicate with them.  Playing the innocent victim can take many forms, some more subtle than others"
within defenseiveness, he outlines 4 types:
Denying responsibility: "no matter what your partner charges, you insist in no uncertain terms that you are not to blame...you respond that it's not your fault because...
hurt feelings with comments you made...you reply that you didn't say anythng wrong"
Making excuses-"...you claim external circumstances beyond your control" rather than recognizing that you didn't plan effectively or anticipate obstacles

Disagreeing with negative mind reading" sometimes your spouse will make assumptions about your private feelings, behavior or motives.  when this 'mind reading' is delivered in a negative manner, it may trigger defenseiveness in you"

Cross-complaining- "You meet your partner's complaint (or criticism) with an immediate complaint of your own, totally ignoring what your partner has said."

Rubber Man/Rubber Woman- "Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you'?  In one move you manage to not only defend yourself from attack but blame your partner.  So if your partner says he/she found your behavior rude at the party, you immediately counter with 'IU'm rude?  You're the one who can't even remember to send my mother a birthday card'"

Repeating yourself-"rather than attempting to understand your spouse's point of view, couples who specialize in this technique simply repeat back their own position to each other again and again"

body Language- "Among the physical signs of defensiveness are a false smile...shifting the body from side to side... and folding your arms across your chest"pp 85-89

4. Stonewalling "Stonewaling often happens while a couple is talking.  The stonewaller just removes himself by turning into a stone wall...stoney silence. 
When we've interviewed stonewallers they often claim that they are tyring to be 'neutral' and not make things worse.  They do not seem to realize that stonewalling itself is a very powerful act: it conveys disapproval, icy distance, and smugness.  It is very upsetting to speak to a stonewalling listener. 

Flooding/  "The worst consequence of a negative inner script is that it can lead to flooding.  When this occurs you feel so overwhelmed by t your partner's negativity and your own reactions that you experience 'system overload, ' swamped by distress and upset.  You may become extremely hostile, defensive, or withdrawn.  Once  you're feeling this out of control, constructive discussion is impossible.  ...Flooding is also affected by how much stress you have outside othe marriage-- the more pressure you're under, the more easily flooded you will be. 
...When people start to be flooded, they feel unfairly attacked, misunderstood, wronged or righteously indignant.  If you are being flooded, you may feel that tihngs have gotten too emotional, that you just want things to stop, you need to calm down, or you want to run away.  Or you may want to strike back and get even.  You may feel you can't get your thoughts organized, or that this outburst of your partner's has come out of the blue, for no apparent reason.  ...
the bbody of someone who feels flooded is a confused jumble of signals.  It may be hard to breathe.  People who are flooded inadvertently hold their breath.  Muscles tense up and stay tensed.  The heart beats fast and it may seem to beat harder.  The flooded person longs for some escape and relief." pp110-112

One strategy for tough conversations that historically tend to create flooding in one or the other spouse is to set the timer and hav ea 15 minute discussion.  knowing that the conversation is not going to last longer and honoring that can help.   Also, marital rules against critical and harmful ways of communicating can go a long way in avoiding flooding.     When flooding occurs, know that it takes about 20 minutes to calm back down.  These 20 minutes typically need to be alone minutes.  The time needs to be focused on using calm down techniques and self-talk to remind you of the important and good things in the relationship.  some examples of this self talk
calm down take some deep breaths
no need to take this personally
he's/she's puset right now but this isn't a personal attack
this isn't really about me
this is a bad moment, but things aren't always liek this
Im upset now, but I love him/her
she/he has a lot of nice qualities
There are lots of things I admire about him/her
Right now, i'm upset, but this is basically a good marriage
99 178-180

This is such a good book. The rest of the book is dedicated to ideas for how to break the habits listed above.  it was a great self-evaluation for me.  Self-evaluation is such a continuous work in progress, but, what a gift to self and to marriage!!

The Gift named Empathy

I am realizing that the greatest gift that I have received through this year of learning and searching for peace is the gift of empathy for the mother that is on her own.  I am particulary empathetic for the mother that is in the sceanrio in a more permanent manner than I find myself in-- the divorced, single mother.  As I have been working through all of the different issues that come to my life as a result of havng Alan gone, I know, that, while often I am experiencing additional burdens, the plan in this part of my life is temporary.  Our life is united and our commitments are in tact-- only Alan's location has changed.  When I am lonely, burdened, or stressed, I know that there is an end date, I can share my concerns with Alan when he calls daily.  His daily calls have been a layer of support that I cannot imagine doing without.  What of the woman that is not getting a daily call of support, love and gratitude for all she is doing to raise their children?  Where does this lonely and worried mother turn?  Who cares as much about her children as she does?  Whose life's hopes and dreams are as directly tied to her children and their family as hers are?  In the case of divorce, even with a good relationship with the former spouse, there is a history of lack.  There is a history where one person decided to leave the family home.  The support in the little moments is gone. 

I have been given immense support and sympathy from strangers, friends and family.  People thank me for doing the job that I am doing at home while my husband is serving our country.  I don't have anyone in my life that is working against me, that is fighting with me over the children and how to move forward in life.  I have a husband that supports my life and wants to discuss our family goals with me.  I do not have the pain of a marriage that ended, I live with the hope and gratitutde of a marriage in tact. 

I have been lonely, but only for a moment.  I have been worried about finances, children and their emotions, our safety, our future, but with each of these issues, I have a partner and support.  I am committed to my marriage relationship and not worried about spending my life alone.  The pit in my stomach and the lonelieness that I have experiences this year is not my new life.  It is my season.

I hope that I can sustain and maintain an understanding an empathy for the divorced mother.  I have been given a gift, a glimpse into the pain and emotional upheaval of the life of a single mother, without having to actually have to go through the pain and agony of divorce.  I have had a certain kind of pain that has its roots in having my husband in a place of extreme danger.  I feel sick about that and it physcially hurts my heart and leaves a pit on my stomach to have him there.  It is not the same as divorce, but, I feel a pain caused by his absence and the danger of his location and lifestyle.  This gift of empathy, .like all spiritual gifts, helps me to understand, in some way the burdens.  The gift of empathy also helps me to remember that my burdens are not comparatively great.  My burdens that will last the season are not as easily lifted in her life.  I can begin to feel sorry for myself and then I remember the many women that I know and love that have felt this pain and will continue to feel this pain far after this season of my life turns into just one of the stories of my life.  This isn't THE story of my life, it is a thread in my tapestry.  It is a journey that I did not choose but one that has taught me well in so many ways.  This gift of empathy is one that I can open and enjoy and also one that is piled up, beautifully wrapped and ready for me to give to her.

 She has the burden of worry and concern and does not have the blessing of daily support and acceptance from her husband.  I have learned that there are many ways that someone could step in and help me by doing small things this year, I hope to stay aware of those things as we move forward in life and look for ways to help and support the divorced mother.  I hope to keep my eyes open to the needs that now are so obvious to me.  It is essential to look outward.  My needs are few and my ability to support and help others is great.  I have a husband that is willing to help others.  I need to gain a habit of consistently looking for ways to help the divorced mother that is trying to build a home filled with love while she is in the midst of heartache and loneliness.

This year, there are things that I have noticed that need to be done and that I have needed help with but didn't always feel up to asking for help.  There are things that people have done for me because they noticed a need.  I appreciate those things.  Some of the things that are needed will cost money.  Money is almost always tight for a divorced mom.  Her children are going without some of the things that she would like to be able to have them do. 



Some of the things that I have learned:
1. just show up and mow the lawn-- of course everyone could use a favor like that, don't ask, just do it
2.  give her children rides to things-- offer to pick up the child for a weekly event such as a music lesson or school club
3. instead of hometeaching or visiting teaching with a quick stop by, maybe hometeach and visit teaching could look like 3-5 times a year, we go over as a family and get a project done for them.  Spend the entire day on their project
4.  invite the family over for dinner
5. invite the family on a family outing and take care of the details
6.  invite their children to do something and give her a break-- take her children to the park, on  a hike, to the movies, somewhere fun
7.  get her a book, write her a note complimenting her on something she is doing or something her children have done-- notice her, notice her children
8.  send her for a haircut and take her children-- pay for her haircut
9. weed a part of her yard
10. buy her a gift certificate for an oil change
11. arrange and pay for music lessons or other lessons that her children would like
12.  pay for scout camp, girl's camp. youth conference for her children
13.  send a gift certificate to Target or the grocery store-- particulary around birthdays and Christmas
14.  remember her birthday-- take her somewhere, take her children shopping for her
15. drop by some flowers
16.  Send her emails with spiritual thoughts
17. call her
18. make sure she gets to go to church events like firesides and relief society events
19. call her and take dinner over to her just because
20. Find out what she would like to do in her house and help her find a cheap option
21.  Find someone retired in the ward that will come over and do handy-man work for her without a fee.
22. Help make it possible for her to go away for the weekend with her children-- find a cabin and rent it for her, find someone that will let her have something for free.  Fill her gas tank for the trip.
23. make it a matter of prayer.  pray about her, pray for ideas to help her, pray to know how to support her specifically
24.  notice her and let her know that she is noticed
25.  Help her to find a place in the ward and to find connections and friends

Turning the corner

So, it would be nice if I turned this corner at the first part of my journey, but, I must be ready to accept progress as it comes I suppose.  I had two different experiences lately that gave me reason to think about what I should expect of myself as I journey toward peace in my life.  Iwatched a biography on President Thomas Monson and read a book by Gerald Lund and each provided examples of women that went through difficult times and chose not to complain.  These women chose the path of gratitude.  As I listened to the biography on President Monson and all he has been able to accomplish for good in his lifetime, I reflected on the contributions and life-style of his wife.  She had her third child in Canada while he was a mission president.  She was responsible for her little family of three children and an entire mission full of sweet missionaries.  There were many examples of times when her husband, in the ensuing years, was gone from home frequently and, often for long periods of time.  In these accounts, it is clear that their home was a refuge for the family and the children had a wonderful childhood.  Their family life did not suffer even though their father traveled extensively throughout their lives.  She certainly took on much of the responsibilities of the home while he served in his several church responsibilities.  She may have been the kind of person that wouldn't complain and feel like a burden was placed on her shoulders, or she may have made a conscious decision somewhere down the line to choose not to complain.

Complaining and overwhelmed is a choice.  It is the place that I land when I haven't taken care of myself spiritually and when I have not taken the time to assure that there is order in my home.  It takes a considerable amount of time to be a homemaker.  To be a homemaker, I must put as a priority, the feel and spirit in my home.  To have the desired spirit in my home, I need to be present--emotionally, spiritually, and physcially.  Certainly, I can leave and go and do other things outside of the home, but not until the priorities of the home are taken care of.  This is my opportunity, my responsibility and my priority.  If our home is to be a refuge for my family, there must be a sense of order and serenity in it.  These do not come by accident or without consistent and constant effort toward this end.

As I read the book by Gerald Lund, I was struck by the frequency of the stories of women that were given burdens beyond their ability to bear, and yet, they bore them with faith and courage.  Most of the women in the stories were of pioneer heritage.  They did not decide to complain and consider their lives a burdensome tragedy, they knelt and prayed, trusted in God and accomplished tasks far greater than their capacity.  They enlarged their capacity through their faith in God and yoked to the Savior as they tapped into the blessings of grace and mercy available through His atonement.   Their hearts were turned toward their home and their family.  Their home did not always stay in one location, but they made their home in the place that they were.  They made a refuge for their families.  Children gatehrered around mothers, husbands relied on their wives to be what was needed in their home.  These women did what was needed because it was needed.  They did not get weary of well doing and did not look for an easier way.  They may have hoped for a time when life's burdens did not continue at an intense rate, but they did not lose focus of the present and the requirement for goodness and faith in the very moments. 

I have not been without faith during this journey.  I have certainly been focused on my home and on creating a place where my children can go for peace.  I believe that my focus on our home and on being a homemaker has made this journey possible thus far.  Without my consistent focus on our home as a place for peace, this year would have been much more difficult for each of us. 

The corner that I am turning is another step toward peace and renewed courage.  I am learning to move away from the habit of complaining and be able to find opportunity for gracious acceptance of this period of our lives.  I am beginning to understand the capacity that I have been given throughout this process and am coming to be thankful for the experience.  It is not an experience that I would have sought out for myself but, God, in His goodness was able to instruct me in the midst of my fear and take what little faith that I extened to the situation and expanded it for me.  My faith has grown as I have witnessed over and over how often God has directed angels to watch over us.  I know that there are angels, both mortal and immortal, that receive promptings regarding our family.  I know that the spirit has consistently pricked the hearts of people to offer goodness and kindness that benefits our family.   As I wrote that last sentence, Melissa just called to see if we could go to lunch-- another angel calling to check on me:)

On a journey

I am on a journey.  My location is not going to change but my journey is an emotional, and physical one nonetheless.

At the beginning of a jouney that one has planned, there is typically excitement, resolve and anticipation of the good things hoped for that served as the basis for starting the journey.   My journey is not of my choosing.  I can dwell on the fact that I didn't choose my particular path willingly or I can look around me and bless my fellow travelers. 

As I am walking my particular path, that of a spouse of a deployed soldier, I can keep my eyes down and study the bumps in the road and feel the weight of the load I carry.  I can also choose to look around and see my fellow travelers on the path of uncertainty--a mom going through a divorce trying to create goodness in her home for her boys, a friend whose financial burdens will result in loosing her home, not sure where she will live next, not sure if her son will still live with her of if her ex-husband will get custody when she looses her home, another that walks on this path with me has the heartbreak of watching her adult child making painful life choices of addiction.  Such difficulty.  Such heart-ache, and yet, we can all find peace. 

I can choose to lower my head and look inward, focusing on the everpresent pit in my stomach or I can look around me and bow my head in thanks for my blessings. 

Everytime I have tried to play the "poor little me" car that seems to be constantly laying in front of me, I recognize that it is not my honest place.  When we were in England and found out that the poeple attempting to purchase our home in Utah had moved out and left the keys sittin on the counter and left the doors unlocked, I started to head down the road of overwhemed "how do we get through this financially"?  and then, I got a note from a dear friend telling me of his journey in this difficult economy.  He lost his job, right around the same time his wife was diagnosed witha brain tumor.  The operation left her partially paralyzed.  He has moved his family in with his parents and is seeking employment and carrying on for his wife and children.  He does not dwell on the pain and the uncertainty.  He speaks of the involvment in the life of his children, his church and his wife.  He speaks of love and blessings. 

The same day, we watched the movie "Invictus" about apartied  in South Africa, Mandella and the process of bringing together South Africa.  When we went to bed that night, I asked Alan how we were going to manage.  He wise said "My wife doesn't have a brain tumor and I haven't spent the last 27 years in prison.  I have a landlord problem, my life is good, we have no real problems"...perspective.