Your relationship with God

“If men do not comprehend the character of God, they do not comprehend themselves”

Teachings of the prophet Joseph Smith

When we fully comprehend the LOVE God has for us, that we are His work, that He truly loves us, it changes us.  It really comes down to this: God loves us, He accepts us as a work in progress and accepts our repentance.  He wants us to move forward because He knows that dwelling on past mistakes is damaging to our heart and soul.  If we truly repent, He will remember no more, but, if we can't forgive ourselves, which is part of repentance, then, we, as Lot's wife, turn into "a pillar of salt" and cannot move away from our past.  God loves us and works with us for our progress and our good.  When we see ourselves as God's child, it is easier to comprehend His love for us.  

Part of peace is knowing you are remembered

A sweet reminder that I am remembered and thought of often is a great source of peace in my life.  Alan really likes me.  I really like him.  We know we are blessed to have our marriage.  We are grateful and we remember that we are grateful.  That helps bring peace and smooth out little wrinkles in life.   Today, as I drove up to my house, I saw flowers on the doorstep.  It made me cry.  A thoughtful gesture is always a good thing. 

A different kind of good

This morning, I was awoken early by my sweet husband and we talked for an hour.  I have to say, that if he were here, we wouldn't spend an hour talking to each other before we started the day.  He Skyped me, so, I got to spend time looking at his face.  When we skype, we look at each other's faces.  I focus on his face.  I get to see his blue eyes and his gentle smile.  We sit still and talk for an hour.  It is good, it is sweet, it brightens my life. 

We talk about everything and nothing.  This morning, we talked about the economy, European politics, middle-eastern weather patterns, the stock market (apple is good right now).  We talked about Kailey, Seth and Jordan.  We talked about how much we like each other.  He told me I was beautiful.    I showed him the pile of cookies I made for him and, while I was sitting still in the early hours, I watched the sun rise.  I also noticed as I looked outside over my yard with the sun slowly bringing light to the yard...that there is a sweater in the tree...

We talked about grace.  He had been thinking about it, praying for understanding, I had been reading about it and came across an article that I sent him yesterday.  He prayed for understanding, I came across an article.   God is amazing.  We are 7,000 miles apart and we had the same gospel question in our hearts and prayers.  I didn't know he was searching for understanding, he didn't know I was reading about the topic, but God knew.   Grace.  God is good. 

Journey to Ithaca-- A poem by Constantine Cavafy

ITHACA When you start on your journey to Ithaca,
then pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
Do not fear the Lestrygonians (*)
and the Cyclopes and the angry Poseidon.
You will never meet such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine emotion
touches your body and your spirit.
You will never meet the Lestrygonians,
the Cyclopes and the fierce Poseidon,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not raise them up before you.
Then pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many,
that you will enter ports seen for the first time
with such pleasure, with such joy!
Stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and corals, amber and ebony,
and pleasurable perfumes of all kinds,
buy as many pleasurable perfumes as you can;
visit hosts of Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from those who have knowledge.
Always keep Ithaca fixed in your mind.
to arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for long years;
and even to anchor at the isle when you are old,
rich with all that you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would never have taken the road.
But she has nothing more to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not defrauded you.
With the great wisdom you have gained, with so much experience,
you must surely have understood by then what Ithaca means.
--  Constantine Cavafy  (translated by Rae Dalven)

Dear Catherine,

Today, my dear friend Catherine emailed me and asked how I am doing.  I have been so blessed in my life with good friends that show their love for me in so many ways.  Catherine asked how I was doing, and, my heart is lifted just by the question.  I am grateful for my friends who ask me how I am doing and truly have a heart to listen. 

My response to Catherine today was a good reflection of my process right now:

We are doing ok.  Sometimes I do ok, and then I hit a bump where it just isn’t ok.  I seem to cry at least once a day.  Not for long, often-times more just tearing up, but, I find that my emotions are always close to the surface.  I am not even always sad, sometimes I cry when things are cute, sweet, when someone is kind to me, when someone asks how Alan is doing, when someone understands my heart…I am just always close to tears it seams.  I am grateful for prayers and thank you for putting us in the temple and for telling me about the prayer.  Prayer is such a lifeline for me.  I know that people are praying for me and I have asked Alan to say a prayer each night (well, when it is night for us) around bedtime and ask God to protect us and our home.  I have always had a hard time at night and, the prayers of others and my prayers have combined to strengthen me and give me peace at night.  I will always hate nighttime, but, I am not gripped with fear like I have been in the past.  I ask God to send angels to stand at the corners of our property (I am not sure there is any doctrinal reference point here, but it works for meJ) and then I go to sleep, trusting that the words “Oh know ye not that angels are near you, from darkest night into day” are literal and available to me. 

Oh how grateful I am for angels on heaven and earth and for the prayers of good people. 

Where can I turn for Peace?

The words to this song provide such a sweet message of hope and goodness.  I appreciate that it begins with an empathetic list of the many things that we each struggle with daily.

 "Where can I turn for peace?  Where is my solace.  When other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows, where when I languish, where in my need to know, where can I run?  Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?  Who, who can understand?  He only One.

He answers privately, reaching my reaching in my in Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.  Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.  Constant he is and kind, love without end."
Emma Lou Thayne (C) 1973

He does answer privately.  The answer is peace.  The answer is trust.  The answer is serve and be kind.  The answer is I will lift your heart through moving away from self and toward Christ.

Some days...

Today started out hard.  I was sad and somewhat depressed.  There is so much pressure to keep going and to have a good attitude and to handle the tight finances etc etc etc.  It’s sometimes more than I can take.    People around me are so good and kind and I am trying each day to find the things that I appreciate about my life, but, today was difficult to find that happy spot.  As the day wore on, I did better.  It took me the whole morning though.  I know that there would be days like that whether Alan were home or not, but, I still blame everything on the fact that he’s gone.  Catherine sent me a sweet note tonight that reminded me that I am ok, that we are ok, that things are ok...She ended her email with "We will keep Alan in our prayers and we probably need to keep all of you in them--tough to be separated. But you are one of the most confident, capable and courageous women I know and I am sure you are up to the task!"

I didn’t feel confident, capable or courageous today.  I felt defeated.  I have to remember that I am truly up for this task and that I am being guided and blessed every step of the way. 

Some days are better than others.