We did pretty well throughout the Christmas holidays. I guess because I expected it to be hard emotionally, I really prepared myself and tried to make sure the days were planned, the house stayed clean, the decorations were up and we did fun and meaningful things.
We read at least 2-3 Christmas stories each night, we read scriptures and focused mostly on the Biblical account of Christ's birth, we caroled, we sang songs, we always had a Christmas CD on, we did a "12 Days of Christmas" for a family. We looked forward each night to the treats left by some very kind and generous souls that did a "12 Days Of Christmas" for us. The Christmas season was good and many people showed their empathy and opened their hearts to us by checking on us and bringing by goodies.
The days after Christmas, however, have been HARD. I didn't expect it. I breathed a sigh of relief when December 26th came around because I knew that the expectations of the month had been met and now I could just relax. What I didn't expect was the sudden side-sweep of emotions that seemed to come from nowhere. I would be doing ok, going about my day, and just drop down into a sadness. When I first feel that way, I exercise, eat a healthy meal or snack, get dressed into something cute, put on more make-up and do my hair, try to plan something fun for the children, call a friend or sister, go run an errand. Just get up and move and try to work my way through it. Sometimes it works but usually, I have to wait it out and see when the cloud will lift that has descended on my heart and mind.
I know that there are days like this even if Alan isn't here, but, I also know that there is an extra burden that I constantly carry when he's not here, and sometimes the burden of the little things that I need to do, say, and anticipate, is just more than I want to or have the fortitude to do at that moment. I try not to complain specifically about my sadness or heaviness and try to either avoid talking to people for a time, or call and ask about their life and not focus on mine. It is better for me to not talk about my sadness usually because I get emotional and always cry and I know that there is nothing really wrong and that this feeling will pass. I try not to give into the "poor me" thing, but, I also realize that sometimes, I need to let myself. I did that today.
Melissa called and I was thick in the middle of my "poor me". She asked me a question and I just couldn't respond because I stared crying. She was good to keep asking me questions and help me pinpoint what it was. Today the "it" was that I need Alan around for the "fun element" in our family. I am not fun by nature, I know that sounds pathetic, but, it's true. If I have a free day, I seldom think "how can we play? What can we do?" I almost always think "Oh good, I can get started on that project that I have been wanting to do" or "I can clean up this room or that room with the down time" Alan always thinks of fun things to do and off we go. I feel the responsibility of taking care of all of the things in the house and in our life that need to be taken care of and the reality that the children are on a school break and should be able to have something fun going on probably every day is a burden of guilt. I have actually been able to do something fun every day, but, as soon as the fun thing of the day is over, they want to do the next fun thing. I feel bad always saying no, and, in reality, I don't say "no" always, but it feels like it. I want Alan to sweep in and say "I will take the children sledding today, you get that project done you want to do" That's not going to happen, thus my tears and my "poor me" scenarios.
