Turning another corner

Oh, what a rough two weeks.  I had a lot of things going on the first of August, my biggest pressure was going back to court for the court order under SCRA (Soldiers and Sailors Civil Relief Act).  I kept thinking that First Horizon (the mortgage company that feels a need to fight me on our rights under SCRA) would back off and comply with the court order, but, they took us back to court on a process issue because I had not served them correctly initially.  They did not back away from the court date as anticipated but, went through with it and, as luck would have it, the court date was on Alan's birthday.  I woke up on the 5th so very emotional.  I didn't really expect to be so emotional, but, I was overwhelmed and upset that Alan wasn't here for his birthday and I had to go and sit in a court room with the possibility of having the court order reversed and having to start the whole tedious process over again. 

I had a pro bono attorney that was kind and prepared.  I was by myself for the initial court order, so, I was ever so grateful to have her with me.  It was a good thing that she was there too.  I dressed in professional clothes to make myself feel more confident and brave, and then, when it was my turn to get up in front of the judge, I was so grateful to have Mara Snyder (my attorney) there because she did all the talking and I ended up standing there with tears streaming down my face.  I could hardly look up.  I knew I was upset, but I had anticipated holding it together better than that.  I was so angry that I had to go to these lengths to get our rights under the law enacted.  I was so frustrated that the law is written so that the courts have to be involved from the beginning on this aspect of the law.  I was furious at First Horizon for bullying me in this way.  The other banks and creditors have just simply complied with the law.  First Horizon could get the whole thing thrown out and then I would have to start again with the other creditors as well.  I was deeply sad that Alan was spending his birthday alone and, even though we sent him gifts, cards and a package filled with fun trinkets, it was not the same as being face to face and letting him know of our appreciation for him.  My emotions took over and, there I stood, in front of the judge, tears streaming down my face. 

I had listened to the judge on the other cases he was hearing that day.  I watched him as he carefully considered each case and, with the wisdom of  Solomen, made decisions.  I was grateful that day that a thoughtful and thorough judge was assigned to this court date.  I listened as he used his judicial experience and combined it with his heart.  The judge ruled in our favor and a new court order was put into place.  First Horizon had to comply retroactively unless and until a complaint of substance was brought forth by First Horizon.  First Horizon has sold our loan so, they are unlikely to bring anything forward.  They sold the loan and did not put the court order in place before they transferred it, so, they left the fight still in process.  I left  the courtroom relieved and grateful.  And yet, I was still emotionally overdrawn.  I was considerably upset and drove around a bit on my own somewhat aimlessly.  I eventually went to Costco and stopped at a store to get something to wear for my high school reunion that weekend. 

I tried to get things back together and was so grateful to be able to spend time with my girls from high school.  They are a comfort zone for me.  I can go months and years without talking to anyone and yet, they each are kind with open hearts and there is a true friendship and love within the group of women that is a remarkable gift.  For a time, while I was with them, I was able to hold things together and just enjoy spending time with eveyone.  I spent Friday evening with them at a group get-together and then spent the evening with them again on Saturday night for a dinner and the reunion.  It was nice to be able to spend time with people from my childhood.  To reaquaint myself with people from so long ago and share a true interest in each other and a friendship based on common experiences.  I did leave both nights really early but, I was glad that I went.  I was otherwise rather numb and overwhelmed the rest of that week. 

I tried to keep busy and keep the children busy with fun activities.  We were on the go a lot, but I was just not myself.  I am tired.  I have been alone for a  year.  I don't know when Alan is coming home-- there has been talk of extending his time another 2 months.  There is a job in Virginia that Alan has been offered and that significant change for our family looms over my head.  I am willing to move, I have felt like there is much good that can come out of the opportunity, there are just many unanswered questions and it's all a concept rather than a reality until we know when Alan comes home and can get more details in place.  I am supposed to be the PTA co-chair again this year, I want to be very involved in the children's classrooms this year, I keep trying to find a job so that I can help prepare financially for the expensive move and lifestyle of the DC area.  I have spent time looking for rental properties and jobs and reviewing school systems.  I have spent time reviewing SCRA and making sure that we are utilizing all that it offers.  I always worry about children and school and friends and making sure that they are having the experience that fits their needs.  Does moving bring a better scenario or worse for them?   Nothing is dropping into place.  Nothing is within my control.  I work to go in a direction and get things resolved, and nothing seems to resolve.  I am tired.  I have been alone for a year.  I am tired. 

All of this comotion in my head was wearing me out.  My head spins with ideas for how to get out of debt, strengthen our savings, prepare our family, keep all the responsibilities in motion.  I hit a wall and just wanted to stop.  I don't want to turn into a sad and overwhelmed person that always has a complaint when someone says "Hi, how's it going?" or "Hi, how has your summer been?"  In the last few weeks, I have had no poker face, I just tell people that I am struggling and overwhelmed.  I keep thinking that I will give a smiley face superficial answer, and then I hear myself complaining.  It's not often a long moaning session, but, it is certianly not a thankful expression of the goodness and blessings abounding in my life. 

The last few days I have had a big perspective change.  It started with my negative or sad feeling for so many people in my class that did not have life turn out the way they wanted it to.  So many broken marriages within the group.  It made me sad that everyone's life was not working like I wanted it to work for them.  I wanted everyone to have a happily ever after that fit my definition of happily ever after.  Grace, dear Grace, talked me through this and helped me to just appreciate the goodness of the people and the bravery of their willingness to continually try.  When I decided to be happy for the part of everyone's life that they were happy about, it the change began.  I too have decided to focus first on the goodness and happiness in my own life.  My challenge is temporary, my fears for the next steps in our lives are simply fears, unfounded fears really.  There is nothing happening right now that has long term negative impact.  My husband is gone right now but our family is progressing in my own happily ever after. 

I have discovered sadness in the lives of two friends this week.  Each of these two women have had painful endings to long and seemingly happy marriages.  Each has five children with broken hearts because they no longer live with their fathers.  One story is particularly tragic and they are both extremely painful stories.  These are families that I know.  They are people of faith and goodness that want to retain their faith and goodness.  The end of their marriages leaves both with a sadness and a loss that is unspeakable. 

When I see and feel the sadness and the trials of others, I am reminded that mine is not the luxury of sitting still and feeling sorry for myself.  Mine is the opportunity to open my heart and extend it to those around me.  I can be filled by standing by the women in my life that need hope and perspective.  I can remind them that they are amazing and beautiful and bring much of value and goodness to this world.   I can lift the arms of the tired mother and remind her that there are many available to help and I can lend my open heart and hear her broken heart.  Jesus healed the blind and deaf, He helped the lame to walk.  I have been blind to the needs of others, I have been deafened by my own complaining, I have been paralyzed by my sadness and unable to walk towards others to help.  This year of loneliness has taught me much.  I have spent much of it in gratitude but had dipped down most recently with the pressures of the things around me.  I have come around a new bend in my road and am glad to see that the darkness and mist has been lifted and I am traveling for a time in the light.  I know that I will experience more times of gloom and self-pity, but, I am hopeful that the perspectives and lessons that I am learning this year will help me to keep those moments short and make them more rare. 

Little things made me feel grateful these past few days.  I prayed that when Alan moved to his new assignment on Saturday, he would have a chance to go to church.  He got there on Saturday and found that the group that is working with him is from Fillmore, UT.  He will have a church group in this new location.  He has not had a church group for four months.  I prayed this week that there would be something that I could do for my friend that is going through a difficult time.  I got an unexpected check in the mail on Saturday and can send her some money that will really help her. 

I went to church today and spent the whole day in gratitude.  I am grateful for the speakers and for the songs that were sung.  I was grateful for the opportunity to repent and to ask the Lord to help me move forward.  I found that I had a happy heart and that it took no effort today to keep it happy.  I am not happy because I have no problems, I am happy because I have faith that all things will unfold and that the Lord's timing will be to my benefit.  When I have faith, fear is removed.  Today, I have the strength to let faith be my guide.