I have done really well this week. I am full of gratitude for my many blessings and the people in my life that make each day better for me and for my family I have focused on what I have instead of what I don't have and I have tried to put how lonely I am without Alan in the background of my heart. I was not worrying about Thanksgiving as a holiday that would be hard-- I am worried about Christmas, but Thanksgiving is just a nice day of thanks and I am really focused on gratitude right now. Gratitude has really helped me to see my life more clearly and appreciate what is good in my life.
But, today is Thanksgiving. I woke up and was able to catch Alan on facebook and we had a "chat" before he went to bed. I woke up missing him. It snowed last night. I found myself feeling sad about all he misses out on when the kids ran outside in the first snow of the season. Alan loves snow and he is so good about playing with the kids in the snow. We took lots of pictures--- and the pictures wouldn't download to my computer. I tried and tried and was so frustrated! I went and took a shower and just cried. If I cry in the shower, my children don't see me cry and they don't mirror my emotions.
After my little outburst, I decided that I was not going to spend my Thanksgiving sad. I was going to dress up in a cute outfit and do hair and make-up and try to make the day a special day. I put on a happy face, sent Alan a video message and drove to Melissa's for a family Thanksgiving dinner. I sang with the kids on the way over, and then just sang to myself when they started in on a different game. I was determined to beat my funk and just remember the goodness in my life. I got to Melissa's house (she is gracious enough to host big family events and always does a fantastic job) and put on my happy face. There were 30 people there, my parents, 4 sisters, nieces and nephews. No one seemed to notice that I was just barely holding it together except for Heather. She asked a few questions and I couldn't keep the feelings in my heart from showing on my face. She stayed with me and asked me questions about Alan and how he is doing and how we are doing. I really needed those questions at that moment. I appreciated the availability of her heart.
I wore my phone all afternoon just in case Alan tried to call while I was at Melissa and Guy's. When he did call, his phone call sounded like he was talking in a fan while it was going-- I could only make out some parts of his words. He tried to call twice on my phone and once on Melissa's. It was the same every time. Panic ran through me as I tried to create a solution. There was just nothing I could do. I couldn't hear him. I knew that he was at work and he might not be able to call again. The black cloud that I had been evading all day rested squarly on my shoulders at that point. I just wanted to sit down and cry. I didn't though. I fought it. I didn't want to cry there. I knew I would let it out, but not until I was home and alone.
We stayed at Knoblich's for almost 5 hours. When we got home, our dog had somehow wriggled out of her kennel and had shut herself in the dark garage-- who knows how she did that!! I was already just hanging on by a thread, the last thing I needed was a dog loose in my house that is not completly house trained. We scoured the house but still haven't found any evidence of dog accidents. Hopefully, we got lucky on that front.
The children turned on a movie and they are all stacked in the living room on the floor in pj's with blankets and pillows. They have had a great day and I don't think they particularly noticed that I struggled all day long. Alan called at 9:00 p.m. I couldn't hold back my tears. I was so relieved that he was able to call. I jusr really needed that call tonight. He is so kind and good. It was very healing to talk to him.
So, another day gone by. I made it through Thanksgiving. It was just harder than I thought it would be.
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