Emotional Ride

We did pretty well throughout the Christmas holidays.  I guess because I expected it to be hard emotionally,  I really prepared myself and tried to make sure the days were planned, the house stayed clean, the decorations were up and we did fun and meaningful things.

We read at least 2-3 Christmas stories each night, we read scriptures and focused mostly on the Biblical account of Christ's birth, we caroled, we sang songs, we always had a Christmas CD on, we did a "12 Days of Christmas" for a family.  We looked forward each night to the treats left by some very kind and generous souls that did a "12 Days Of Christmas" for us.  The Christmas season was good and many people showed their empathy and opened their hearts to us by checking on us and bringing by goodies.

The days after Christmas, however, have been HARD.  I didn't expect it.  I breathed a sigh of relief when December 26th came around because I knew that the expectations of the month had been met and now I could just relax.  What I didn't expect was the sudden side-sweep of emotions that seemed to come from nowhere.  I would be doing ok, going about my day, and just drop down into a sadness.   When I first feel that way, I exercise, eat a healthy meal or snack, get dressed into something cute, put on more make-up and do my hair, try to plan something fun for the children, call a friend or sister, go run an errand.  Just get up and move and try to work my way through it.  Sometimes it works but usually, I have to wait it out and see when the cloud will lift that has descended on my heart and mind.

I know that there are days like this even if Alan isn't here, but, I also know that there is an extra burden that I constantly carry when he's not here, and sometimes the burden of the little things that I need to do, say, and anticipate, is just more than I want to or have the fortitude to do at that moment.   I try not to complain specifically about my sadness or heaviness and try to either avoid talking to people for a time, or call and ask about their life and not focus on mine.  It is better for me to not talk about my sadness usually because I get emotional and always cry and I know that there is nothing really wrong and that this feeling will pass.  I try not to give into the "poor me" thing, but, I also realize that sometimes, I need to let myself.  I did that today.

Melissa called and I was thick in the middle of my "poor me".  She asked me a question and I just couldn't respond because I stared crying.  She was good to keep asking me questions and help me pinpoint what it was.  Today the "it" was that I need Alan around for the "fun element" in our family.  I am not fun by nature, I know that sounds pathetic, but, it's true.  If I have a free day, I seldom think "how can we play? What can we do?"  I almost always think "Oh good, I can get started on that project that I have been wanting to do" or "I can clean up this room or that room with the down time"  Alan always thinks of fun things to do and off we go.  I feel the responsibility of taking care of all of the things in the house and in our life that need to be taken care of and the reality that the children are on a school break and should be able to have something fun going on probably every day is a burden of guilt.  I have actually been able to do something fun every day, but, as soon as the fun thing of the day is over, they want to do the next fun thing.  I feel bad always saying no, and, in reality, I don't say "no" always, but it feels like it.  I want Alan to sweep in and say "I will take the children sledding today, you get that project done you want to do"  That's not going to happen, thus my tears and my "poor me" scenarios.

"This is the day which the Lord hath made

we will rejoice and be glad in it".  Psalms 118:24

The use of the word "will" implies that there is a choice as to how we approach each day.  We can choose to rejoice and be glad in each day.  It also shows a commitment-- we will, not we might, we should, we ought to, sometimes we are glad...we will rejoice.  When I am spending my moments in frustration over the little things, I need to remember to be glad in the day and let the little things stay little.  There is no room in my gladness and rejoicing over the day for frustration over a lost coat or a messy room.  They are little things.  I am going to change my day and rejoice and be glad today.

The study of peace

The Lord will give strength unto his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace.  Psalms 29:11

The Dog

We got a dog.  We named her Zoey.  Alan has been pushing me to get an animal for the children for years.   I don't disagree that children should have animals, but, it's really the mother that ends up having the animal.  My emotional needs are perfectly met by the people in my family.  I don't have an emotional need for an animal but I understand that people do have their emotional needs met by animals.

 I have always resisted and I can readily come up with a list of very good and practical reasons why we shouldn't get an animal or at least why the timing was not quite right.  Alan looked for dogs before he left and I tried to work on my attitude.  Alan made sure that the yard was ready and the fence was fixed before he left.   Alan looked, studied, checked into and budgeted for a dog.  I prayed and talked to myself and tried to get excited about a dog and what a difference it would make for the children while he is gone.  I know perfectly well that the dog will be my responsibility.  There is no way around that.  The children can help take care of the dog, but I am the one that ends up cleaning up, making sure it has what it needs and making sure that the training is happening.  Also, when I am home during the day, I have to be with the dog.  I had to focus on the enthusiasm and the potential good for the children.  Each one is so happy to have a dog.

The dog that we have is as cute and sweet as could be.  Kailey, Seth and Jordan are so happy about having a dog and are doing a good job with her.  They play with her and take her outside and try to help her follow the rules.  I like Zoey and am really trying hard to be a good dog owner.    Right now, we are working on house training.  For the most part, she is doing well.  I am learning how to do it as I go and trying to read and ask from any source available.  Alan wanted a bigger dog and a different kind of dog.  Zoey is a small terrier mix.  Zoey is as much as I can take on.  I am so grateful she is little and very mild tempered.   If there is any chance for me to be successful at the dog owning scenario, I think Zoey is my best bet.    Now that we have a dog, my job is to make sure that I don't complain and that I choose to look for the goodness in having a new, sweet little dog as part of our family.

trips and travel

Parenting

Kailey time
Seth time
Jordan time


Today we made teacher gifts for their teachers.  Jordan has seen the bag of supplies for the past few days and just could no longer contain herself...she NEEDED to start the project today.  We got most of it done tonight and just have to let it dry.  All three children are pleased with how the gifts turned out.

Kailey and I went to the store last night and picked up her new glasses.  Her very first pair of glasses.  She is amazed at how much better she can see.  She didn't know her sight was as bad as it was until she found that she could see things so much more clearly now.  She looks really cute in her glasses.

Seth and I moved the furniture in his room today.  He is really happy with how the room looks now and rearranged all of his many trinkets in his room to match the new look:)

Tonight I lay down with Jordan for a bit.  Each of the children would prefer if I would lay down with each of them and lie in bed and whisper each night.  I don't always have the ability to do that at the end of the day, but I want to be the mother than can.  I need to figure out how to commit myself to do that at least once a week with each child.  There may be a time when they don't love that time with me, so, I need to notice the opportunity and see it as an opportunity.  Jordan and I talked for a few minutes and that was really all it took.  If I spent 15 minutes a night, 5 minutes with each child, they would really benefit.  I will try that tomorrow night and see how it goes.

I took Kailey to a used book store today and gave her a budget of $10.  She was thrilled.  Letting Kailey shop for and buy the book of her choice is the nicest thing a person can do for her.

writing

blog
articles
grants

piano

52 weeks
52 hymns
104 children's primary songs

Health and fitness

I want to be 52 weeks more healthy at the end of the year.  What does that mean?  I am exploring that.
I went to the doctor in October because I have significant hot flashes and my feet get so hot at night that it wakes me up.  I was wondering if it was time to go on hormones or if there was some other solution.  I know that my hormones are a mess because I have a thickness, particularly around my waist, that I have never had before.  I can't diet or exercise enough to get it off or make anything but slight progress.  I am running 3-5 miles a day five days a week, lifting weights 3 times a week and carefully watching what I eat.  I have tried to go to a whole foods kind of diet-- with yogurt, cottage cheese, whole grain breads , oatmeal for breakfast, etc.  I feel  like I need a nap partway through the afternoon.  I don't like how I feel.

A month ago, Melissa told me about the Paleo diet and asked me if I wanted to try it for 2 weeks with her.  The diet is basically lean meats, lots of vegetables, some fruit, fats.  No grains, no dairy, no sugar.

I don't know that I agree with the philosophy but, I thought I'd give it a try.  Within the first week, my eczema was gone.  I have had eczema my whole life to some degree-- GONE.  My hot flashes and hot feet at night, gone.  Tired dips in the afternoon--gone.  My energy levels are higher, after 4 weeks, I had lost 11/2 inches off of my waist.  I don't have a scale so, I don't know what I have lost in terms of pounds, but, my clothes fit better and some are loose.  Progress so far:
torso-ribcage: 1 inch
waist: 1 1/2 inches
stomach: 1 inch
hips: 1/2 inch
thighs: 1/2 inch
arms 1/2 inch
calves:0

December 2
I bought some jeans when I was in Atlanta a few weeks ago.  They were a tiny bit snug but looked ok.  Now they are loose and I am going to exchange one pair for the smaller size!

I lifted today.  Now that we are back from Atlanta and settled in again, I am going to get back to 3 times a week of lifting.  I have also decided that I am not going to do long-endurance kind of exercise for a few months and see how that works. I am trying to do spurts of high energy.  Yesterday, I ran Zoey up and down the hill by our house-- it's a tough hill but not very long.  I am thinking that I should be able to run the whole way up it without stopping if I work on it this month.   I ran outside with the dog again today.  We took a different route but it still had hills.  I tried to run up the hills and just catch my breath before I stared the next sprint. 

I have been really following the eating plan carefully this week.  I have also been trying to do 50 push ups most days.  I can't do more than 15 in a row, but, it's a goal to get all 50 in at once. 

Thanksgiving didn't turn out like I'd hoped

I have done really well this week.  I am full of gratitude for my many blessings and the people in my life that make each day better for me and for my family  I have focused on what I have instead of what I don't have and I have tried to put how lonely I am without Alan in the background of my heart.    I was not worrying about Thanksgiving as a holiday that would be hard-- I am worried about Christmas, but Thanksgiving is just a nice day of thanks and I am really focused on gratitude right now.  Gratitude has really helped me to see my life more clearly and appreciate what is good in my life. 

But, today is Thanksgiving.  I woke up and was able to catch Alan on facebook and we had a "chat" before he went to bed.  I woke up missing him.  It snowed last night.  I found myself feeling sad about all he misses out on when the kids ran outside in the first snow of the season.  Alan loves snow and he is so good about playing with the kids in the snow.  We took lots of pictures--- and the pictures wouldn't download to my computer.  I tried and tried and was so frustrated!  I  went and took a shower and just cried.  If I cry in the shower, my children don't see me cry and they don't mirror my emotions. 

After my little outburst, I decided that I was not going to spend my Thanksgiving sad.  I was going to dress up in a cute outfit and do hair and make-up and try to make the day a special day.  I put on a happy face, sent Alan a video message and drove to Melissa's for a family Thanksgiving dinner.  I sang with the kids on the way over, and then just sang to myself when they started in on a different game.  I was determined to beat my funk and just remember the goodness in my life.  I got to Melissa's house (she is gracious enough to host big family events and always does a fantastic job) and put on my happy face.  There were 30 people there, my parents, 4 sisters, nieces and nephews.  No one seemed to notice that I was just barely holding it together except for Heather.  She asked a few questions and I couldn't keep the feelings in my heart from showing on my face.  She stayed with me and asked me questions about Alan and how he is doing and how we are doing.  I really needed those questions at that moment.  I appreciated the availability of her heart. 

I wore my phone all afternoon just in case Alan tried to call  while I was at Melissa and Guy's.  When he did call, his phone call sounded like he was talking in a fan while it was going-- I could only make out some parts of his words.  He tried to call twice on my phone and once on Melissa's.  It was the same every time.  Panic ran through me as I tried to create a solution.  There was just nothing I could do.  I couldn't hear him.  I knew that he was at work and he might not be able to call again.   The black cloud that I had been evading all day rested squarly on my shoulders at that point.  I just wanted to sit down and cry.  I didn't though.  I fought it.  I didn't want to cry there.  I knew I would let it out, but not until I was home and alone. 

We stayed at Knoblich's for almost 5 hours.  When we got home, our dog had somehow wriggled out of her kennel and had shut herself in the dark garage-- who knows how she did that!!  I was already just hanging on by a thread, the last thing I needed was a dog loose in my house that is not completly house trained.    We scoured the house but still haven't found any evidence of dog accidents.  Hopefully, we got lucky on that front. 

The children turned on a movie and they are all stacked in the living room on the floor in pj's with blankets and pillows.  They have had a great day and I don't think they particularly noticed that I struggled all day long.  Alan called at 9:00 p.m.  I couldn't hold back my tears.  I was so relieved that he was able to call.  I jusr really needed that call tonight.  He is so kind and good.  It was very healing to talk to him. 

So, another day gone by.  I made it through Thanksgiving.  It was just harder than I thought it would be. 

There is peace available

"Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope." 
— James E. Faust

I have decided that, while I cannot control my immediate circumstances all the time, I can always benefit from seeking peace in every aspect of my life.  The Savior promised us His peace "My peace I leave unto you".  This is not a tentative promise.  I cannot always have joy and a life of ease, but I can always have peace and hope.

Today,  my husband lives somewhere in Iraq.  He will be there for a year.  A year is a very long time.  It is longer than a pregnancy, it is longer than 4th grade, it spans from one Halloween costume to the next.  It entails missing birthdays, Christmas, an 11th anniversary, and more than 52 Sundays with family.  I hoped I would not have a chapter like this in my book of life, and yet I do.  When we found out that he was going to be going, I felt robbed of choices.   My heart would tear every time I thought of our children missing out on a year with their dad-- he loves being a father and is a very sweet father.  He is also my best and kindest friend-- how does life work at a distance?  I cannot talk about his absence without showing the heaviness in my heart-- tears brim in my eyes whenever anyone asks me with real interest "How are you?  How is  your husband?  How are your children doing?"  These kind questions make me cry.  We miss him!  Oh, how we miss him!

After the initial shock that came from the news that he would be going to Iraq, I began to feel peace.  Peace that all is well in my life and that peace will be available to me throughout the process.  I have a choice, I can tap into peace or I can ignore the opportunity of experiencing peace.  I have decided to seek peace in throughout the year.  I cannot make this a passive journey, I have to actively find peace-- pray for peace, pray in gratitude for the goodness in  my life.

 I am dedicated to creating more peace in my home, more peace in my world, more appreciation for the goodness we enjoy in our lives.  We have decided to count our year down in weeks rather than days.  We are counting from Sabbath to Sabbath.  One more day, one more week-- I can break things down into pieces.  We can make each week good.  We can find peace and hope each week.  We can learn the art of peace.  We will be peacemakers and share our peace with each other and with others.  We will learn how to bring peace into every day, week, and season of life.    The journey of peace is a blessing that I can offer to my children and husband.  We can grow and find a joy in the journey this year.  We are not going to be together as a family, but, we have not changed-- we are a family, united by love, separated by distance.