Accepting Forgiveness

God will reach out to soften the hearts of others and to soften our hearts toward ourselves.  In the story of the Prodigal Son, the father RUNS to his son.  He knew that his son would have ample reason to doubt that his father would be happy to see him-- so the father RAN to his son and hugged him.  If a good father of a wayward son can offer such love, can we also imagine God giving us the same kind of greeting when we pray, repent, ask for help?  God's capacity far outweighs the capacity of a good father as described in the story.   

Christianity

Christianity is a lab school where we practice what we understand and, in turn, learn from what we practice.  We can participate on many different levels and in that way it is much like a parable.  We will grow and learn by our experience in much the same way as we do in a parable.  There is growth available on all levels and any effort is valuable but, Christianity participated in at the very rudimental level produces like results. 

Don't Hold the Lord to YOUR Path

Prove God again and again.  He has a better path for me, and yet, I often seek to push Him onto my path rather than being led by Him to His path for me. 

God is busy building a foundation.  He puts the foundation into place many years before we see it.  He always builds foundations.

"I Shall Look At The World Through Tears. Perhaps I Shall See Things That, Dry-Eyed, I Could Not See".---Nicholas Wolterstorff

except when there isn't any peace

I hate to return to complain mode, but, that's where I landed today.  I am having a really hard time.  I am not coping and don't have much available.  I am trying to keep our home as a good and kind place and, that's all I can do.  I don't have much to give outside of my little family.  I am unmotivated and probably clinically depressed.  I hope this is a hormonal thing and that it will pass in a day or two, but, my resilience is LOW.   I made a few mistakes in judgement in the past few weeks that are rearing their ugly heads and I don't know how to fix them.   I am trying to use all of my coping skills (well, not all of them, I usually use my 'call a friend/sister' lifeline but, I don't want to dwell on the negative and I know that I will cry if I talk to someone and I will turn the whole thing into a bigger thing than a bad day).

So far today I
spent an hour reading about the atonement
cleaned the house, put away groceries and did 2 loads of wash
kept Kailey home this morning so she could finish some homework and play a math game (And I call myself an educator...shameful....)
helped at Lego club for Seth and Jordan
spent time with just Kailey after school
talked about hard things with Alan that he needed me to address
went for a walk
caught up on some work, looked up so grant opportunities
read a marriage book for a few hours
made the children a dinner they liked
made cookies with Kailey
read with Jordan
helped Kailey memorize a Shakespeare quote
watched America's Funniest Home videos with Seth and Jordan
took ten cute things that are ugly on me out of my closet
ote a list of 11 things I like about Alan Brock

I am doing a little better.  But, it has been a struggle today to get through the day.  I know that my slump is of my own making but it doesn't make it any easier.  I  am going upstairs to put children to bed and to read to them for a whole hour (as promised) from a very funny book they like (How to speak dragoneese).  All day long I tried to find goodness in my day but I was near tears.  I am so glad that, when I went to Wal-Mart today to check on a replacement phone for my quirky and defective cell phone that I didn't run into anyone that I knew.  I was trying hard to hold back tears.  I had no poker face today.  I am overwhelmed and tired.  I am tired of being overwhelmed and tired.    I guess some days are like that...even in Australia

Directed continually by the hand of the Lord

I have come to know, through so many experiences in life, that there is a path specifically for me and that God is in front of me on my path.  I was reading scriptures to the children last night and was reminded of that truth:

"And it came to pass that the Lord commanded them that they should go forth into the wilderness, yea, into that quarter where there never had man been.  And it came to pass that the Lord did go before them, and did talk with them as he stood in a cloud, and gave directions wither they should travel.

And it came to pass that they did travel in the wilderness, and did build barges, in which they did cross many waters, being directed continually by the hand of the Lord". (Ether 2: 5-6).

How often I travel on paths that feel much like my wilderness.  I know that there are times when I feel that I am traveling in places where "never had man been" and it feels frightening and lonely.  I do best when I remember to notice God's presence and guidance.  When I remember that God has always given me directions wither I should travel.  When I travel in the wilderness, build structures of faith to cross unknown waters in my life, I am being directed, not occasionally, but continually by the hand of the Lord.

God's plan

Just before I was accepted to Oxford, I found a scripture that I used, at least weekly, when I was struggling to believe and have trust in the path that I was on.  I wanted to be at Oxford, but I also reminded God, at least daily, that I wanted to be married.  If given a choice, I would give up Oxford for marriage.  I wanted to be a wife and mother more than I wanted to be a Dr.  I wanted God to understand that clearly.  So, I told Him almost daily.  The scripture that guided me and brought me back to a place of trust was originally meant for Oliver Cowdery.  Oliver was taking on a challenge and making a leap of extreme faith when he began working as a scribe for Joseph Smith.  The words of encouragement and reminders to trust the spirit of truth were such a blessing to me throughout a time when I needed to know that God hears and answers prayers-- my prayers:

"...I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.

Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter?  What greater witness can you have than from God" (D&C 6: 22-23).

This scripture spoke peace to my heart.  I had been given many blessings, many reassurances that God had a very specific plan for me.  When I read that scripture, I could go back to those moments. 

The Path

"Each of us walks a path-- sometimes easy and light, sometimes burdensome and heavy.  If your path, right now is easy and light, reach out to those who suffer.  If your burdens are heavy and your path is stony, then reach out to God and find strength and peace in him.  Once you have peace, share it with another who struggles, and you will witness your burdens becoming lighter"


Art Berg in Some Miracles Take Time (1990). Covenant Books

The Burden of Grudges and Judgement

I read a book by Art E. Berg, Some Miracles Take Time. (1990. Covenant Books)  Art Berg was badly injured in a car accident a few months after he returned from an LDS mission.   He became a quadriplegic as a result of the accident.  His story is full of perspectives and is thought-provoking.  Well worth the read.

He created a parable that serves as a reminder of the burdens created by carrying grudges and judgement:

"A man walked along a dusty highway.  In a short while he came upon a small community.  He was hot, tired, and thirsty, and began to search for an appropriate resting place.

In his search, he found a group of people who were unwilling to help him, intolerant, and selfish.  Rather than assist in tending to his needs, they sent him on his way unsatisfied.  The man stood at the far edge of town.  Looking back, he gently picked  up a rough stone from the highway, placed it in his bag, and said to himself, 'I'll remember this.'

As he traveled farther, he came upon a gathering of people beside the highway.  They all wore the finest clothing and jewelry that one could possibly desire.  THe man had traveled long without companionship and was hungry for human conversation.  He would rest here a while, acquaint himself with these good people, then be on his way again.

As he approached, someone from the group caught a glimpse of him and began to laugh and point.  The others looked, and they too laughed at the man whose clothes were torn, dirty and old.  The man hung his head and traveled on.  A short distance later, he reached down and picked up another stone, this one larger than the first, and placed it in his bag, saying, 'I'll remember this'.

Finally, unable to go any farther without rest, he sat beneath the shade of a big tree and slept.  Upon awakening, he found that someone had stolen all his possessions except the bag with the stones.   Quickly, he found another large stone and placed it in  his bag and moved on, repeating, 'I'll remember this'.  These stones became the only thing that this man carried.  Each day he took his stones from the bag to count and clean them.  Each day, as he suffered more and more injustices, cruelties, and unfairness, he gathered more stones to add to his growing collection.

At last, one day, he found he could go no farther.  His bag was full and heavy and difficult to bear.  However, his stones had become too important for him now to leave them.  They had become the center of his life.  He cared for these stones, talked of them in his conversations with others, and used them to justify his own acts of misbehavior.  What would he do without them?

So he continued to carry them.  His back became bent with the weight as he strained through life collecting these stones.  His eyes became cynical, and his body showed signs of early aging.  But he could not give up his stones.  Finally, in frustration he died.  (p. 51-52)